tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89755570361219347792024-03-13T19:01:27.417-07:00Waiting for our SparkAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-15260090244987212512015-07-01T06:00:00.000-07:002015-07-01T08:17:03.037-07:00Empty arms, Empty uterusSometimes I feel like the entire world is moving around me & I'm standing perfectly still just watching it fly by. Like I'm standing in the center of a tornado, motionless, completely unable to get out, break free. I feel imprisoned by my grief & anger. I carry it everywhere I go. I feel like everyone can see it. The mom in the grocery store with her newborn, I hate her & I think she can see it in my eyes. The pregnant lady down the aisle from me, I hate her for living a normal life while pregnant & she knows it. The father with his children, I hate him for having what my husband has lost & he sees my envy. The mom shouting at her children, I hate her most of all & I know she sees my judgmental stares.<br />
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Hate. I don't like that word at all, but it's a real part of my life & I can't control it no matter how much I try. I hate people I don't know. I don't even have a real reason to hate them. I don't know their story. I don't know that they haven't been through the same or worse than me. Except I do know. Or at least I think I do. When I see these other people, it doesn't seem possible that they could have endured what I have, or worse, & still be able to walk around so blissfully. If that were the case, then that would mean that kind of happiness could be in my future & that just doesn't seem like a remote possibility.<br />
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***I feel the need to clarify what I've just said as much as I can. I don't hate everyone that's pregnant or has a baby or children. I don't even know if I really hate the people I think I hate. Or if I just hate myself when I see them. I love my friends, I envy those around me. The one thing I know I hate is this empty feeling.***<br />
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I can't envision a time when I'm not always on the verge of tears just sitting in my house. A day when I don't sit in my car, in the Target parking lot, for 10 minutes before I go in, just mentally preparing myself for what awaits inside. Will there come a day that I don't try to strategically plan my errands around the times I see less likely to be bombarded by people with what I lost? A day that a nurse's casual chatter about her children won't be a knife to the heart? A day that I can truly be happy for others without the pangs of selfish desire for what they have taking over?<br />
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I used to be a happy person. I swear I was. I only have faint memories of that girl. When my friends talk about the past, it doesn't even seem like me in their stories. Sometimes I think that happy, carefree person died with my children. Will she come back if I ever get my rainbow? I get glimpses of her, here & there. Maybe she's not totally gone. How do I live without the things I need most? How do I find happiness in the meantime?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-64072224357243697202015-06-30T15:12:00.002-07:002015-06-30T15:34:53.269-07:00Catching up on the shitty shit (part tres)Here's where everything goes to poo. TMI & loss warnings.<br />
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So at my last appointment, NYE, everything was hunky dory. That Sunday, 1/4/15, I had gone to the bathroom. When I wiped, I felt something bulging at the end of my vagina. I knew instantly what it was, it was the sac. FUCK.MY.WHOLE.ENTIRE.LIFE. I screamed to Sean that we needed to leave for the ER immediately. We were out of the house in about 3 minutes & I was at the ER being wheeled in in about 10 min.<br />
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Once I was checked in & wheeled back to a room, S & I both broke down. Bless his heart, he was still trying to be positive, but I knew this was the beginning of the end. A doctor came & did an exam, she told me that she believed the sac was in my vagina. Then sent me to ultrasound. The tech didn't say a word, but did let us hear our little guy's heartbeat. Then wheeled me back to my room. About an hour later, they admitted me & brought me up to L&D. Unfortunately, this was a much smaller hospital than the one in NJ which had a separate high risk section. So, we had to roll by the nursery & I knew we'd have to hear little lives entering the world during our stay.<br />
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Once we were in the room (the exact room I had been in recovering from the TVC less than 2 weeks before), the nurse set me up in the all too familiar Trendelenburg position. We were back to hoping for the sac to retreat into my uterus. The ER nurse said that one of the doctors in my OB practice was coming by, but she had no idea when. So we were just waiting around. S called my mom & dad, they both rushed over. My dad & stepmom hung around for a couple hours, but needed to get going because my stepmom had to get up early to get her chemo port put in (My poor dad was having to watch me go through this shit & his wife was starting chemo the same week.) My mom decided that she was going to stay with me overnight since S had to go home at some point because of the dog.<br />
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Around 10:30, the doctor finally showed up. He did a quick digital/visual exam. Explained that we were waiting to see if gravity would help & if so then they would try a rescue cerclage & then hospital bed rest from there out. He explained all the risks & possible outcomes. S & I assured him that we were very aware of all of that & told him about Rowan's loss. He said not to lose hope & that if the situation was going to reverse it usually does so in 12-48 hours. He asked if we had any more questions & then headed out. A little while later, my nurse had come in to change my IV & she told me that the doc "couldn't visualize anything" during the exam, so things looked promising. With that small glimmer of hope, S headed home for the night. My mom went to sleep & I stayed up all night watching TV. I passed out for about an hour around 6.<br />
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Around 8 S got back to the hospital & we were waiting for Dr L to come do his morning rounds. He got there around 8:30, right after ultrasound had come by. He confirmed everything from the night before & repeated over & over that he swore he put the stitch in right & tied it tight. He was distraught. He had never had this happen to a patient in over 20 years. He did a quick check of everything, but said he didn't want to use a speculum until things looked a little better on the ultrasound. He said he'd be back in a few hours, but in the meantime he wanted to start antibiotics to try to prevent infection.<br />
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After he left, my mom went home. I don't remember too much of the rest of the morning. S was there, some nurses came through & tried to give us some hope. It's a blur.<br />
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My doc came back around at about 1 just to check on me (the benefit of his office being across the street). He didn't really have much to say. A lot more "I'm sorry" & "try to stay positive" & "all we can do is wait right now."<br />
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After he left, I paged the nurse for help with my bed pan. When she came in she told me that Dr L had approved the use of a bedside commode for me. At this point, any hopes that I had been hanging on to, were dashed. Until this point, I had been 100% restricted to the bed. I knew that him allowing me to get out of bed to use the bathroom meant that things were getting worse or at the very least not getting better fast enough. I declined the commode, I couldn't give up until there was something certain. I expressed to the nurse what I thought the doc lifting the bed pan restrictions meant for me & she just gave me a look that said "Yeah, it looks bleak." She came back a little bit later to fiddle with my IV & said "I'm probably not supposed to tell you this, but ultrasound thinks you may already be leaking fluid. The fluid around the baby is very low." Because of how frequently I had been going to the bathroom, I really had no idea if I was leaking or not, but I didn't think so.<br />
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Somewhere in there, I guess right before I called the nurse to let me go to the bathroom, S ran out to grab some food for himself & to fill a script for P17 that my doc wanted to start to try to help prevent labor. ($100 dollars later, I was able to use a single dose out of a 10 dose bottle & now I'm stuck with this shit that I have no use for & will probably be expired by the time I need it again...I digress). While he was gone, my friend came by & she lost it the second she saw me. I told her what the nurse had told me & we just hung out sobbing together. She asked if there was anything she could help us take care of. So I asked her to swing by the bakery & cancel the cupcakes we had ordered for that Friday that we were planning to use for an announcement photo. She headed out & within about 10 minutes S was back. I told him what had happened while he was gone & then we were back to waiting. S called the vet to set up boarding for her the next day so he would be able to sleep at the hospital that night.<br />
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Around 3 my doc was back & reviewed the report from ultrasound with us. He confirmed that the fluid around the baby was low, but he didn't think I was leaking. Instead, he believed that much of the fluid had shifted into the portion of the sac that was in my vagina. He did a ph test to see if there was any fluid in my vagina & that came back negative. Small win. He said he had to go do a c-section & then he'd be back to check on us.<br />
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He came back around 6. He didn't have anything new to say. It was all over his face. He was devastated by this. He told me to try to get some sleep & he'd be by first thing in the morning.<br />
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Around 7 some of my friends came by & hung out for a while. My mom came back at some point. It was nice to have some people there who could lighten the mood, people who refused to give up on my baby boy. After my friends left, the nurse came with all the surgical consent forms for me to sign "just in case." Just one more sign that things were coming to an end. She offered to give me a catheter so I could get a break from getting on & off the bed pan. S & I talked about it, I was scared to have that done, but in the end we decided that it might be for the best so I said yes. It hurt like a mother fucker, but was over fast. I kicked S out around 11 to go get some sleep, I had a feeling the next day was going to be a long, hard day. A little after that, a guy from the lab came to draw some blood so they could type & match that & label me in case i needed blood at some point. Then the night nurse came in to check vitals & doppler Carson. She had a really hard time finding him & his heart rate was much lower than his normal. After that I decided to take an Ambien & passed out quickly.<br />
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I guess around 6:30, I decided that I might need to go #2, my mom left the room & the nurse set me up with the bed pan. I waited & waited, nothing happened. I pulled the pan out & there was fluid in it. My water had just broken. I called the nurse, she rushed in, tested it & confirmed things. I called S, he was already on his way up. My mom came back in & cried with me & then went into the bathroom & threw up. The nurse called Dr L. He ordered ultrasound & they were in the room in about 10 minutes. Before she left, I asked her to show him to me & print a pic for S since he hadn't made it yet. She of course did, here's the last picture of my guy on the inside.<br />
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I didn't take the time to look at the picture at that moment, just gave it to my mom to put somewhere safe. If I had looked, I would have been prepared for what Dr L was going to say. </div>
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S got there about 5 minutes after ultrasound. We cried & cried, he sat on the floor next to my bed just holding my hand waiting for Dr L. He was there by about 8 I guess. He told me that Carson was already partially in my vagina. Looking back at the ultrasound, I can clearly see his poor head lodged in my cervix because of the cerclage. He said that we'd have to go into the OR to remove him. I was upset, I wanted to at least be able to deliver him like I did Rowan, but that just wasn't in the cards. There was no way for Dr L to be able to remove the cerclage around him. We reviewed what happened after I delivered Rowan & all of those concerns. Dr L explained his game plan with me & told me that he really wanted to avoid another D&C/E if at all possible. He said I had been extremely fortunate to come out of that with no scarring & he really wanted to preserve that. He headed out to call the office to let them know he would not be in for a few hours. The nurse came back & advised that Dr L thought I should get an epidural, but was leaving that decision to me. I decided to get it, not knowing what I was in for.</div>
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It took the anesthesiologist about 30 minutes to get there, they made everyone (even S) leave the room. They rolled me to my side because they were concerned that sitting me up might cause things to progesss before they were ready for me. The epi was seriously so painful I almost passed out. Once that had started to work, they wheeled me to the OR, got S in a gown & mask & let him in. I started to shiver/shake, the anesthesiologist said that was a normal effect of the epi. Dr L began working almost immediately. I just tried to focus my attention on S, but I kept hearing Dr L swearing. Every time he did I immediately thought "FUCK! I'm bleeding. I know I'm bleeding like crazy." & I could see it in S's eyes he was having the same thoughts. At some point, he said something about the baby being out. A moment later, he stood up & said "You wanted to see the baby?" We both replied that we did. He made a face & hesitated, then told the nurse "Show them the head" </div>
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SHOW US THE FUCKING HEAD????? I immediately had the most morbid thought, that I was going to look up & just see my son's head in someone's hand. Of course that was not the case. They lifted him up, all bundled in a blanket or something & all that was visible was the head. He was perfect. His tiny little mouth was open, it was so precious. </div>
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Then he got back to work. A few minutes later, a nurse came over & whispered "Your placenta is out, it looks in tact & no bleeding." Thank you thank you thank you! They wrapped things up & began to clean me up. Dr Landry came over & said it went relatively well & he'd be by to talk in a little bit. He left & S left with him. I started shivering more & more. It was completely uncontrollable. They started piling warm blankets on me & assured me that this was all normal. All I could think was that I was bleeding a ton & that's why I was so cold. They must have missed something, this can't be normal. But I had to trust for now.</div>
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They wheeled me back into my room, where I continued to shiver like a crackhead going through withdrawls. After begging, they brought another 10 blankets & piled them on me. I finally started to warm up some, it took about 45 minutes for the shivering to stop. Finally Dr L came in to review things with us. He explained that Carson's head had been stuck & he had a very difficult time getting him out. He said something that implied that he had not come out in tact, but wouldn't tell us explicitly what happened.</div>
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He said that the cerclage was still in tact, but had pulled through a portion of the wall of my cervix. Based on this his only recommendation moving forward was a transabdominal cercalge (TAC). I had read about that, so was familiar enough with the procedure. He said that he had only ever scrubbed in on the procedure once, 20 years ago when his ex had it done. He had never done it himself, so we'd need to do some looking around & find a qualified surgeon. I love that he knows his limits & isn't willing to take that kind of risk with us. He apologized again & again, told us he wished he could have done something more to prevent this, looked like he was going to burst into tears. I think he said some more stuff, but I honestly don't remember. He headed out for the day.</div>
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The nurse came in & we reviewed everything that we wanted for Carson (we had talked about it a few times before), but I had this fear that they would do something & lose my baby. I asked her if she could come back with his weight & stats at some point. She said she'd probably not be able to give us a length, but she would do what she could. She removed my catheter & went off to tend to Carson. My dad got there, my mom left & I sent S to go get himself some food & bring the dog to board. </div>
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When the nurse came back, she said that Carson was delivered at 9:55a & was 80 grams. She had some forms & needed to get my thumb prints. She had gotten his tiny footprints for us, he was so much smaller than his sister even though he was only 8 days younger. His teeny feet were smaller than the thumb prints I had to do. But it gave me some pride to fill out forms as his mother. </div>
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The nurse said that they were going to need to move me to the postpartum area of the floor. I really had no desire to go there, but didn't have much choice.</div>
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(It's been about 3 or 4 months since I started this post, but I needed to get back to this.)</div>
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Once I got to the my PP room, Sean got back & my dad headed out. My best friend came to visit & brought us some dinner. Once she left, we just kind of hung out for hours, both of us completely numb & in shock. Sean stayed at the hospital with me that night. Despite taking Ambien again, I was up every 2 hours all night. I took a walk around the halls because I knew that my doc was going to want that before he'd discharge me. On one of my walks, I ran into the CNA from my first night in the hospital. She had come over to that side to look for me because she had just gotten in & found out what happened. She gave me the biggest hug, told me how sorry she was & told me she was praying for us. It meant a lot that she cared to come looking for me. I went back to my room & tried to get some more sleep. </div>
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The next morning, Dr L came to see us. He was a mess. He apologized again & again. He excused himself from the room for a few minutes, then came back. He had clearly been crying. He talked about next steps for us, told me to come to the office in a week for a follow up & that he'd call me RE in the morning to go over it all. He told me that when they brought Carson to us, not to remove his blanket, just look at his head. "He was damaged." Those words echoed, "He was damaged." My perfect little boy was "damaged" because I failed him, we failed him. He hugged us & headed out. After that, we called the nurse & asked to have Carson brought to the room. While we were waiting, an aide came skipping into my room with a clear bassinet & a waving ALIVE baby, singing "Here he is to see you!" I lost it. I screamed at her to get out. She looked at me completely confused. I said something along the lines of, "That's not my baby, my baby is dead." She looked at me horrified & scooted out of the room. She came back 10 minutes later, sobbing & apologizing. I couldn't even be sympathetic, I just told her to leave. That was so fucking awful. I'm sitting here waiting for my son, my lifeless precious boy, & this chick overlooked the sign on my door that indicates what happened, & brought me someone's very healthy, very alive baby.</div>
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About 20 minutes later, the charge nurse came with Carson & she said the same thing that Dr L said, "leave his blanket on." Then she handed him to me & said she'd be back in about 45 minutes, she had to have him down to pathology by a certain time if we wanted him to be able to be released to the funeral home in a day. Apparently, we didn't have a choice, the state of Louisiana requires autopsies to be run on all births before 20 weeks. Or something like that, I spaced out. She needed to hand my son to me & leave. Finally she handed him to me with his face covered & left the room. I could feel, through the blanket, that something wasn't right, but couldn't tell what. Sean told me I could hold him the whole time, he would be ok if he didn't get to hold him. I wasn't going to fight with him, I knew he'd change his mind. I uncovered Carson's face. He was breath taking. I know every parent thinks that, but I literally couldn't breathe. I just sat there with tears streaming down my face. He had the most perfect tiny lips & sweetest nose. Finally Sean spoke & said "Can I hold him?" So I gave him to Sean. I don't know if I'll ever be able to express what it is like to see him holding his child. It's just the most beautiful & heartbreaking thing ever. He loves his children so much, it just breaks my heart that he always has to say goodbye to them. He brought him to his chest & mumbled something, kissed his forehead & handed him back to me. We took a couple pictures of him & then, before we knew it, the nurse was back to take him away from us. I don't know how I managed, but I kissed him & gave him back to her knowing it'd be the last time I would ever hold him. We asked her if they had a list of funeral homes or anything, she wasn't sure but she'd be back. So she left, we cried for a while, then I went to take a shower so we could get out of that hellish place. While I was in the shower, the nurse came back & gave him a few places. I could hear him on the phone when I was drying off. When I came out, he told me that he made arrangements with one home & told me what it'd cost us. It was 4 times what we paid in NJ, but he didn't want to call around. I begged him to call another one, so he did. He left a message because they said the owner likes to take care of these cases personally. Immediately, I felt better about this place. A few minutes later, we got a call back & the price from them was much better. So we arranged for them to pick Carson up & we'd go there to take care of paperwork in a couple days. After that, we gathered up all our stuff & left. The last time we drove away from this hospital was the day after my cerclage was done, we were so confident, so foolish to think that the next time we drove away from there our son would be in the backseat & we'd finally have our little family. What fools we were to think we'd gotten so lucky. </div>
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We came home, cried some more. Someone brought us something to eat I think & then we passed out. The next day we went to the funeral home. We sat in the parking lot, completely paralyzed by sadness. For the second time in 9 months, we were making final arrangements for our child. No parent should ever have to do this, ever. Somehow we mustered up the strength to go inside, make the arrangements & pick out his urn. A couple of weeks later, we went back to pick him up & bring him home. He now sits on our mantle with his big sister.</div>
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This post is hella long, but I'm just about done. I don't know if anyone is reading this, but if you are this is your warning. I'm going to share the only pictures I have of my children.</div>
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This is a picture of their little urns next to each other. I was so happy that there was something similar to Rowan's when we picked out his. Rowan is the blue one with the butterflies, Carson is the silver one.</div>
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This is a side by side of each of them. Rowan is on the left born at 17w4d, Carson on the right born at 16w3d. It amazes me just how different they were, but they had the same nose & mouth. These are my children, my son & my daughter. They are my heart, my everything. I miss them more than I have words to express.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-6543290271515666652015-01-20T05:00:00.000-08:002015-01-20T05:00:04.489-08:00Catching up Part deuxSo the week of Rowan's due date was pretty eventful. The next day ended up being CD1 & some friends from NJ came down to visit. It was awesome of them to come down. They wanted to be here with us over the EDD & my birthday was coming up. That Friday, my birthday, I got up early & went in for CD3 monitoring. After the last failed Femara cycle, I had gone to visit Dr T with the numbers from the Clomid cycle. He had agreed that cycle looked pretty ideal & wanted to revisit Clomid. So, once monitoring looked good, I was off to get a script to start Clomid that night.<br />
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I went back for monitoring a week later & things looked ready to go, so we scheduled my IUI for the next morning (Saturday 9/27). Sean's numbers looked fantastic & the IUI went pretty well. Into the 2WW we went. The following Wednesday, I caved & tested early because of something S said. Lo & behold, there was a faint line. I was hesitant to call it because I hadn't tested out my trigger. I tested again the next day with a digital & FRER, "pregnant" & a much darker line. S was out of town, so I waited until he got home & told him. There were a lot of tears from both of us. We were happy, but scared shitless was definitely the overwhelming emotion.<br />
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Betas went well & first ultrasound w/ blood flow check was at 4w6d. There was nothing on the u/s, but doc wasn't worried. A week later we went in again & there was our squirt with a heartbeat! A week later I started bleeding heavily, but things looked good on the u/s. I was put on bed rest for a week & then that was lifted. For the next couple of weeks, bleeding continued off & on, but my scans remained positive & Squirt was growing perfectly.<br />
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I was discharged from the RE & started care with my new OBGYN, DR L, around week 10. I was instantly in love with this doctor. He wanted to do everything & anything possible to prevent another loss like Rowan's. So the plan was to stop vaginal progesterone at week 12, start baby asprin at that time (Pre-E preventative), around week 14 have a transvaginal cerclage placed, & start P17 injections at week 16. I met with a new MFM at 12w, he was on board with everything. But, problems were already starting. My cervix was shortened, but still above 3cm, & I was funneling slightly. I put myself on bed rest for the week & by my next appointment with DR L, my cervix had lengthened some & the funneling was not showing anymore. 2 days later, I went to the hospital for my TVC. That went well, Dr L placed the stitch as high as he could & then kept me overnight for observation. I went home the next day with only pelvic rest as my limitation. Pelvic rest according to my husband is basically bed rest, so I wasn't exactly up & doing tons of stuff.<br />
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2 days before my TVC, we had gotten the envelope with the sex of our little squirt. We took that over to Carter's & picked out a couple of outfits, then had the saleswoman look & wrap up the outfit that went with the surprise inside. Christmas morning, we opened that & found out that we were expecting a son, Carson Quinn.<br />
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As much as I hate to admit it, especially now, there was some initial disappointment. We both desperately wanted a little girl. That feeling passed quickly & we both began to really look forward to & plan for our son.</div>
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On 12/31, I went in for a follow up with Dr L & everything looked fantastic. My cervix had lengthened further & the stitch looked like it was healing nicely. We left feeling incredibly optimistic & finally allowing ourselves to feel excited. </div>
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A picture of my little alien boy on New Year's Eve:</div>
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Little did we know....</div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-44722651980651459942015-01-19T05:00:00.000-08:002015-01-19T05:00:06.851-08:00Catching up (Part 1)I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. So much has happened over the last 9 months & my head is such a mess. I have no idea how coherent this post will be. I should probably break it into multiple posts.<br />
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Oy, where to start?<br />
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So, after the loss of Rowan we really didn't have much time to grieve. We had about a month to pack up our entire lives & move to Louisiana. We spent about a week crying our faces off & then bucked up & got shit done. During the move, we spent a night at doodmama's house. When I got there she gave me the most amazing gift from her & all the ladies of SAIF & IDOB. This necklace has become one of my most prized possessions. I never leave home without it on, I feel like I'm carrying Rowan with me everywhere.<br />
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After we got to the new house, we immediately turned our attention to getting back to TTC again. I met with my new RE, he ran a repeat loss panel & tested me for Asherman's; everything came back just fine. My first cycle with him was an unmedicated IUI which ended in a probable chemical pregnancy. I never had a chance to get a beta so I'll never know if that faint line I saw was all in my head or if it was really there. What I do know is the period that followed it was unlike anything I've ever experienced in my entire life. </div>
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My RE wanted to start with Femara for me, so we tried that for 2 cycles. I responded poorly both times. We decided to take a break over Rowan's due date. On her due date, we went downtown to the insectarium to see the butterflies. They were so pretty. It was definitely a nice way to spend that day. There was one that landed on S & stayed on him right up until we get ready to walk out. I can't say that I believe it was her, but it was pretty damn cool to have this little guy hang around our entire visit.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-12631593756865016112014-04-17T20:54:00.000-07:002014-04-17T20:54:47.820-07:00Saying goodbye<br />
I woke up this morning crying already. Today was the day. We were going to meet our little girl & say goodbye to her. I honestly didn't think I was ready to do it. I was completely terrified of my reaction. But, waiting wasn't an option. It was today or never.<br />
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So we headed to the funeral home, sat in the parking lot crying, got our shit together & went in. They showed us to the room that they had her in. We walked in & I broke down as soon as I could see the box they had her in. I composed myself & took about 5 more steps before I got a glimpse of her tiny head, broke down again. Took a final deep breath & kept walking.<br />
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We got up to her. She was simply beautiful. There is no other word. I was speechless at the sight of this tiny, perfect little baby that we made. They had all 7.5 inches of her wrapped up in a newborn onesie & laid in a tiny bed; both of which were to big for her. She looked at peace, happy, loved.<br />
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We sat down in front of her, both of us completely mesmerized. Rowan means 'little red one' in Gaelic; we had inadvertently picked a perfect name for our sweetheart. I expected to be more, bothered isn't the right word, I dunno, taken aback(?) by her appearance; but all I saw was perfection. The first thing I noticed was that she had my mouth & my jawbone, S's nose(at least based on his baby pics). S told me that she resembled me, I thought he was being crazy pants. How can someone that young, developmentally, look like either of us? But she did. She looked like me, with touches of S mixed in.<br />
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Her tiny left hand was peeking through the blanket, S asked if I wanted to see the rest of her. I did, so we gently pulled the onesie back. Her feet seemed so huge on her tiny little body & she was tall, at least we thought so(I checked later, at 17 weeks she should have been 5-5.5 inches, my girl was 7.5!) She had long legs like me(yes, I'm short, but my legs are proportionally long) & S's long torso. S stuck the tip of his finger in her hand. He told me that if you pushed, super gently of course, on her palm, her fingers would 'close' around your finger. So I did it. It was the closest we'll ever get to holding Rowan's hand. <3<br />
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We both wanted to hold her, but were so scared to break her. Finally, I got up the nerve to do it. I scooped my hand under her & lifted her out of the bed. It was just completely remarkable. I told her I loved her, apologized to her(not 100% sure what for, different things I guess), gave her a kiss on her head & carefully put her back down. After a few minutes, S said he wanted to pick her up. He was still scared, he's a bit of a bull in a china shop. After I promised him it would be ok, he picked her up. It was so amazing to see him hold his baby girl. He brought her up to his chest, leaned over her & said a bunch of stuff that I couldn't really hear. Then he kissed her & put her back.<br />
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We sat there for probably another 30 minutes or so, smiling, crying, talking about what we thought her personality would be like. I couldn't tear myself from her. After we'd been there for, I don't know, an hour or more, it was time to go. If we didn't go then, I don't know if I ever could have. We took a few steps & both went back over to her, held her tiny hand one more time, kissed her again & turned to leave the room again. I made it about half way to the door, before I dropped my purse & went back to see Rowan one last time. Put my hand on her, said "I love you" & walked away.<br />
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After we got back in the car, we just sighed. There was a sense of relief & peace. We had closure, I guess. I never really understood that concept, but I guess that's what this feeling is. I'm still in so much pain(emotional, I'm mostly ok physically), but it's different somehow.<br />
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The hardest part of the whole experience was leaving her there. She'll be ready to come home Friday or Monday, I think I'll feel so much better having here home where I can make sure she's safe.<br />
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(I started this post on Wednesday; it took longer than I expected to finish. )Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-50650612366451697802014-04-15T21:03:00.001-07:002014-04-15T21:42:42.839-07:00Is this real life?I've been a horrible blogger. I haven't been supportive of my fellow bloggers. I haven't posted much about my pregnancy in the last 2 months or more. I'm here with awful news.<br />
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On Tuesday of last week, we went for an elective scan & found out, after a lot of poking & prodding, that we were expecting a wonderful little girl. We were elated. (obvi not the awful part)<br />
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<b><span style="color: magenta; font-size: large;">*******WARNING: The following will be graphic, detailed & probably hard to read(maybe, I don't really know what I'm about to say). Please skip to the bottom for tl;dr*******</span></b><br />
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On Tuesday of last week, we went for an elective scan & found out, after a lot of poking & prodding, that we were expecting a wonderful little girl. We were elated.<br />
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Thursday morning, I woke up & felt like I peed every time I stood up. I realized that I had been feeling that way more & more since Monday night. My first instinct was to shrug it off, pregnant women pee themselves nbd. After a short discussion with the SAIF ladies, I decided to trust my gut & call the OB's office. My OB(Dr. G) was on her way out for a delivery, but wanted me to come in immediately with a urine test. So I did. I waited about 10 minutes & the nurse(who has less personality than a brick wall) came to tell me that my sample was negative for any amniotic fluid. I'm not really sure how it would be there, I guess they assume some would transfer to the container while I was giving my sample. Anyway, she told me that Dr. A would need to do an exam to 100% rule out a problem. Then she asked if I wanted to do that, like any person in their right mind would leave without an exam at that point!(This will be addressed on Friday) So I waited until she could see me.<br />
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Dr A looked in & asked if I had any cramping over the last few days. I had. Since Monday, I had pretty consistent cramping on the right side, but nothing excruciating. She told me that I had begun to dilate & that my membranes were protruding(I had no idea what the fuck that meant). She wanted to send me over to see the MFM. She then paused & said, "No, I want you on your back. You're going to the hospital." My heart immediately sank. I was supposed to meet a friend across the street for lunch, so she came right over to take me. I called S while I was getting dressed & he started getting ready to meet us there. We rushed over, I was admitted & before I knew it I was in a gown & forbidden to get out of bed. They had me laying in Trendelenburg position (flat on my back, feet higher than my head by about 15-30 degrees). I was only allowed to sit up to get on the bed pan(those are a J-O-Y), other than that, I could roll to my side as long as I kept the angle I was supposed to. Suffice it to say, eating was exhausting & I usually gave up a few bites in.<br />
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I spent Thursday & Friday like that. Dr G came by a few times & really tried to just get us to prepare for the worst. Generally, this leads to an infection that causes preterm labor or water breaking that leads to the same. The MFM was supposed to come see me & never did. There's more to that part, but he never came & it wouldn't have made a difference, so why get into it.<br />
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Friday morning, S showed up at the hospital with a surprise. He had flown my mom up from New Orleans. It feels juvenile, but sometimes you just need your mommy.<br />
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I woke up 4 or 5 times Friday night & each time I had some discharge, but not much. Saturday morning, I went to the bathroom & had a ton of bloody cm. I told the nurse about it & she told me that it was likely due to pushing to go to the bathroom. I knew that wasn't the case. This was the beginning of the end, I was pretty confident of that. My mom, S & I were in the room attempting to eat lunch & I felt a gush of something. I sent S to get the nurse immediately. She came in & told me it was blood. The resident from L&D(Dr H) came to examine me. She didn't say much, she went to call Dr G who was on call. The nurse started an iv & started me just one some liquids. Dr H came back & told me that my water had broken & the bag was completely gone. I was going to need to deliver. She told me that I could do it now or I could wait for Dr G to arrive in about 30 minutes. We asked for a few minutes to decide.<br />
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While she was out, we asked the nurse about how we'd treat the body after, could we cremate her? She said that we could & that they'd review it with us after. She told us that they would be taking her after & cleaning her up, wrapping her in a blanket & taking some pics. She asked if we were going to want to see her or hold her. Neither of us thought we'd be able to do that(in hindsight, there wouldn't have been time before my surgery anyway). She said that the pictures would be available for a while if we ever changed our mind.<br />
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Then Dr H came back & we decided to get started. It was fast. 2 quick pushes & she was out. Rowan Elizabeth entered this world sleeping at 2:20pm on 4/12/14. Thankfully, it wasn't physically painful. But emotionally it was devastating. After you push, you're supposed to hear beautiful crying from your baby, not you & your husband sob. Not your mom who is just a few feet away, breaking down completely. It was just all wrong. Dr H told me what a great job I had done & to just relax a little because it'd probably be a while for the placenta to detach & deliver. So I sat & waited. She came to check & gave it a bit of a tug & said we needed to wait more. A few minutes later, she came back & said that Dr G wanted to start me on pitocin to help move it along & that if nothing had changed by the time she got there, I was going for a D&E.<br />
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The pit did nothing. When Dr G got there, she checked me & I heard her say something about me being full of blood & we needed to get me to surgery. She said tat the nurse told her about our wish to cremate Rowan & she wanted to make sure that we really wanted to do that, extra cost and all that stuff. Before 20 weeks, you're not legally required. The alternative was to allow her to be discarded as medical waste. There's no way we could have done that, this is my child we're talking about. About 5 minutes after that, I was whisked off, on a table & being prepped. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in recovery with S by my side. I guess I knew something wasn't right. I was covered in layers of blanket & had another one wrapped around my head, all that was exposed was my face. I could hear people around me, something about a bag of blood, getting another blanket; I couldn't make out the rest. I remember the anesthesiologist asking if I was in pain & muttering a "yes", so she gave me more pain meds. I remember hearing the lab tech saying that there was no where left for her to draw blood & hearing someone snap at her about that. All I could really see was S's face out of the corner of my eye. After a while, the room cleared out & eventually it was just S & I. I guess we sat there for about an hour before they started peeling blankets off me & gave me some ice chips so I could try to rehydrate some.<br />
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Not long after that, I was being wheeled to a new room(I asked not to go back to the room I had been in). While we were walking S told me that I had lost a lot of blood, but he didn't say much more than that. He told me he had taken the time to call a few people & that one of our friends(who works at the hospital) was in the room with our parents. We spent some time in there with them, S called some more people, my dad included, to update them. My dad got on the phone with me, got a few words out & just completely lost it. It crushed him to not be able to be there. Some time around 11, everyone cleared out & S & I were alone. He told me tat I had been in surgery for almost 3 hours & that when Dr G came out to talk to him she was white as a ghost & just told him that I'd lost a ton of blood & that it had been extremely complicated. She said she'd be by in the morning to check on me & review everything. We talked until about 1 & then we both passed out.<br />
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Around 6, my nurse came by to remove my catheter. Not too long after that Dr G came by. She started reviewing the surgery with us. She said that as soon as I was out, she put my knees up to start & blood came gushing out of me. They had to start transfusions immediately. She couldn't see to get to my cervix(she also included that I have a 'long vagina' & that my uterus was severely retroverted). She had to do the entire procedure by ultrasound. My placenta refused to detach from my uterus, she had to stick her entire hand in there & tease it away from my uterus wall. She then had to make multiple passes to get my lining to whatever thinness they need. She said that when she got home, her husband said she looked awful, her response to him, "I just had a patient try to die on me." WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? Losing our daughter wasn't enough. I was that close to death?<br />
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She said that I needed to have an SHG done in a few months & she also said that I was at risk for Asherman's Syndrome now. I need to read more on that, but it boils down to scar tissue in the uterus & more fertility problems. Fucking great! But I guess we'll have to deal with that later. And I'll have to probably consult with a MFM before we start trying again just to get a plan.<br />
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So anyway, they continued to monitor my heart, pulse-ox, & hemoglobin levels. Finally, around 6, they told me I could go home. They were really surprised by how well I was doing, but all my numbers were stable, so I could shower & GTFO.<br />
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<b><span style="color: magenta; font-size: large;">***********SAFE TO READ AGAIN, well as safe as it gets**********</span></b><br />
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TL;DR: On Thursday, I was admitted to the hospital with an incompetent cervix & the membranes from my sac were exposed/protruding into my vagina. I was immediately put on bed rest, in Trendelenburg position; flat on my back, feet higher than my head by about 15-30 degrees. Saturday morning, I had a large amount of bloody discharge & continued to leak urine or amniotic fluid all day. Around noon, they checked fetal heart tones & Rowan was doing well. 2 hours later, I was in labor. My precious girl was born sleeping at 2:20 on 4/12/14. I was sent for a D&E to remove the placenta, I hemorrhaged a dangerous amount. My body has been a rockstar & I bounced back much quicker than anyone expected. I was discharged about 24 hours later.<br />
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They sent us home with a memory box that contained her baby hat, blanket & a picture of her. Our plan was to wait to open it, but I knew S wanted to see her. When I woke up Monday, Sean was out of bed. I went to the bathroom. When I came out I noticed that the box was not where we left it & I didn't see S anywhere. I went back in the room & his face said it all. He had opened it. He needed to, I knew it. He said she was beautiful & already looked so much like me. He also told me that one of the documents they gave us was a "In memory of" certificate that had her tiny footprints on it. He's always been against tattoos, but says he wants to have her footprints done as a butterfly. It's absolutely killing him not to have his little girl here. Seeing him in this much pain is almost more than I can take.<br />
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Today(Tuesday, a week after we found out we were having a daughter) we got up & went to the funeral home. We had to sign a bunch of stuff & pick out a memorial box for her. The director asked if we wanted to see her before she was sent to the crematorium. My immediate reaction was no & S agreed, but I could tell that there was hesitation in that. I told him he needed to be sure, this was not a reversible decision. The director told us that we needed to take time & make a decision. So we left & were going to call back later. As soon as we got in the car, I told him that I wasn't sure about my decision not to see her. He admitted that he would regret not doing it & I agreed that I was almost confident that I would too. So that's where we are now. Tomorrow morning, we're going to say goodbye to our precious little Rowan. I don't know how we'll get through it, but I know, in my heart, that we both need it.<br />
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I'm sorry this got so long & I hope it's somewhat coherent.<br />
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I need to thank the ladies from my IF & SAIF groups & a handful of women from the Sept '14 board. It's impossible to name everyone, but your kindness, love & support have made it possible for me to push through each day. I love you all.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-12753891688990367482014-02-14T19:10:00.002-08:002014-02-14T19:10:35.101-08:00GRADUATION DAY!!!I'm a couple days late, but better late than never. I was supposed to have my last ultrasound today, but because of some pretty bad weather here, S wasn't going to be able to make it home in time. So, I decided to move the appointment up to Wednesday because I was going nuts waiting to see Thumper.<br />
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I had to wait about an hour once I was at the office because they were trying to see all the Thursday patients too. Finally it was my turn. The u/s tech came in & got the machine ready. As she was starting I couldn't see the screen, but right away she goes,, "I know you're very anxious. Your baby is doing great. LOOK!" I looked up & I didn't even recognize Thumper. There's been so much growth over the last 2 weeks. S/he was measuring exactly 9 weeks & had a beautiful HB of 174bpm. I can't even begin to describe the sense of relief. Here's the updated pic of our babe, the head is to the left & the body is to the right. You can see tiny had & legs getting started. <3<br />
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After the scan, I talked to one of the nurse practitioners. They gave me my records & set me free. Next Friday, I have my first visit with my OB. I'll get another peek at baby then :)</div>
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In other news, S took advantage of the weather issues & drive from Houston to New Orleans to look at some houses. He spend today with our Realtor & is coming home tomorrow with lots of pics. There's a chance we could be putting in an offer by the end of the weekend. It's so strange to say that right now. 2 months ago, we thought we'd have to wait until we were closer to 40 before we were able to get a house. Crazy how everything can change in such a short time. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-43484370867301111302014-02-08T15:38:00.000-08:002014-02-08T15:43:36.162-08:00Dear ThumperI hope you're in there growing like crazy. It's been almost 2 weeks since we've seen you & I'm worried sick. Since yesterday my nausea has gotten substantially better. I don't like it. Please send me a little sign that you're in there & doing great. We love you so much!<br />
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I was supposed to come see you Monday, but your daddy has to go out of town for work. I'm still pretty scared of losing you, so I don't want to go to a visit alone. We'll be there to see you on Friday. I hope to see your tiny little heart thumping away super fast & to see you moving around. I'm doing my very best to keep you comfy in there.<br />
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Your grandma sent you a little present this week. She must have been working on it already because it got here less than a week after I told her about you. I can't wait to pop this on your little noggin to bring you home in September.<br />
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I love you & can't wait to see you on Friday!<br />
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Love,<br />
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MommyAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-16579317411794603362014-01-27T09:35:00.000-08:002014-01-27T09:35:33.169-08:00HEARTBEAT DAY!Today is officially the best Monday in the history of all Mondays ever. We got up bright & early, after a weekend of very little sleep (it's been a nerve wracking few days) and headed in for ultrasound #2. I was completely convinced that we were going to have bad results. I just knew it.<br />
<br />
They took us back & we went to the other u/s room. I immediately started feeling a little better. The room I usually get stuck with is the bad news room for me. That's where I found out about my blockages & everything bad with the last pregnancy. I just looked at S & said, " I'm so relieved not to be in that other room." He said, "Me too." That room just has too many bad memories. I got ready, grabbed my charm, hopped up on the table & waited. It seemed like forever until the tech came in.<br />
<br />
She came in, asked how I was doing & if I was nervous. I said that I was about to vomit all over the room. She was like ok then, let's get started. I laid back, clutched S's hand & just focused on him. Then I heard her start to turn the screen & saw his face light up (he had no idea what he was looking at, just that it was totally different than the pic on our fridge.) Before she said a word, I saw the flicker of our baby's heart. I started to cry immediately. She said, "Yep, there it is. That's your baby's heart!" S started crying along with me. Then she did all her measurements & had me hold my breath so she could get a good read on baby's heart, 127bpm!<br />
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It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!<br />
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After, we went to see the NP. She echoed that everything looked fantastic. According to her little wheel gizmo & based on my trigger date; they are setting my EDD at 9/16/14. This puts me at 6w6d. She said that baby is measuring 6w3d, as long as we're within a week of where I should be, things are good. I'll go back on 2/10 for my next ultrasound. Provided that everything looks good at that point, I'll graduate to my OB's office.<br />
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Sean wants to call the baby "Thumper" & I think I like that, so here's Thumper:<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-36253866849112827542014-01-17T13:29:00.002-08:002014-01-17T13:52:42.767-08:00Meet the blobI went in for ultrasound #1 this morning. I'm only 5w5d by my calculations, so I knew that there wouldn't be much to see. But part of me was really hoping that I'd be one of those super lucky gals that got to see the first tiny flicker at 5w5d, which is the earliest it is detectable. It was foolish to hope, but I couldn't help it.<br />
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The tech get set up & things got on the way. I didn't look at the screen at first, I just couldn't. I was too scared to see nothing. After a minute, she asked if I had a fibroid....what??? No, I do not. Apparently she was having trouble seeing the top of my uterus. NBD. My uterus is tilted, I'm sure that's what caused her issues. Then she turned the screen & started pointing things out to me. Sac, yolk sac, possible fetal pole(although it's still very tiny), lining, yada, yada. I swear as she was going through different images I saw something flickering, but she didn't seem to notice it so it was probably just my imagination.<br />
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She finished up & told me it looked like things were developing correctly. The yolk sac is the big concern & that was clearly visible. She said she'd put me closer to 5w2d. I can deal with that, I think...<br />
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Here's the blob. I haven't come up with anything else to call it yet, so blob it is for now.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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Where the brighter white on the little blob in the sac is, that's where I swear I saw a flicker.<br />
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I talked to the NP after. She thinks it's possible that I may have ovulated a day later that I thought & that I may have had later implantation. I guess that would jive with my low first beta. They want me to continue to come for b/w every 4 days, so Monday & Friday next week. She said they repeat scans every 2 weeks. Uh-uh, no freakin way. There is no way I can wait that long. So I'm going back on the 27th, which is 10 days. At that point, I should be pushing 7 weeks by their dates.</div>
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I'm still scared. Last time, my first scan put me about a week behind. 10 days later, the news was not good. I guess there's not much to do now other than sit, wait, & try not to go insane.</div>
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PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE grow little blob. We love you so much!</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-51767606288740608922014-01-13T09:53:00.001-08:002014-01-13T09:53:42.923-08:00Beta #5!Today's beta came in at 1889, doubling time of 34.57hrs! They want to schedule my first ultrasound on Friday, at 5w5d. There probably won't be much to see in there; most likely just the sac(s) & maybe a tiny dot in it. But it'll confirm how many are in there & that it's in the uterus, not tube. I'm a little bummed because, unless I reschedule for Monday, S will miss it. I'll have to see how he feels about it.<br />
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But for now, for the first time, I feel hopeful. This might really be it! I don't want to get too excited, but it's really hard not to.<br />
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I still have to go for one more beta on Wednesday because they insist on seeing the number over 2K before the ultrasound, but should be done with those finally at that point.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-62056760065392466502014-01-12T18:52:00.000-08:002014-01-12T19:18:28.848-08:005 weeksI'm 5 weeks today, provided that all is going well. Baby is the size of an apple seed. My appetite is basically non-existent, I'm sure nausea isn't helping that. I started back on Met Friday night, adding those side effects to the mix hasn't been fun. My worst symptom has been breast pain. I had to start sleeping with my snoggle already to stop me from tummy sleeping. I'm not a fan of sleeping on my side, but I'm even less fond of waking up at 4am daily because it feels like there's a knitting needle jabbed in my nip.<br />
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Beta #5 is tomorrow. With any luck, next Monday will be my first ultrasound.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-57552348426031903702014-01-10T13:19:00.002-08:002014-01-10T13:19:50.869-08:00#4Is finally frickin in! Beta = 446, doubling time of 42.27hrs. I can't say I feel much sense of relief, but I can say for now I'm still pregnant.<br />
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I talked to the NP about taking Met. She said the doc like to take people off it, but she's done a lot of research on it & thinks that there may be something to staying on it. So I'll start that back up tonight, hopefully it's not too late.<br />
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Tons of love & thank you's to everyone that's sending me good vibes, love & support. I don't think I could get through this without each of you. (That feels really dramatic, but it's how I feel)<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-76973445560079139432014-01-10T12:24:00.001-08:002014-01-10T13:21:06.266-08:00I need to chillThis is going to start getting repetitive, sorry ahead of time. I find myself constantly apologizing to S & the staff at the RE's office too. I can't help it, it's just all I can think about.<br />
<br />
I had dinner with my friend last night & she knows what's going on. She's also someone I usually have a few drinks with. I managed not to completely out myself, but I'm pretty sure she's on to me. Hopefully I'll have some good news to tell her at the Super Bowl party we'll be at in a few weeks.<br />
<br />
Then I got home & started playing on FB. Some of the ladies on IDOB started a conversation about Metformin & pregnancy. Dr T took me off it last BFP & did the same this time. I never gave it much of a second thought, & that was my bad. I forgot that I need to second guess & research everything I'm told. But, apparently women with PCOS are at higher risk for early miscarriage. And, the part that set me off, Metformin might be able to reduce that risk.<br />
<br />
WTF? Does this mean my first loss was preventable? Could we have somehow avoided the agony that we've been going through? More importantly, does this mean that I'm heading for the same thing because I'm off it again? Of course there's no way to really answer these questions. All we know, conclusively, about the first loss is that it was not due to a chromosomal abnormality. As far as this one goes, all we know that as of now my betas are doubling.<br />
<br />
But none of that mattered, I lost it. I ugly cried, like I haven't done in months. I told S that I felt almost certain that we were going to lose this & that I wasn't sure I'd want to keep trying after another loss. The truth is, I fully believe both of those things. I probably didn't need to share that with him, but I said it faster than I could stop myself. One loss is absolutely soul-crushing. If another one happens, I really don't know if I'm strong enough to risk it a 3rd time.<br />
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But I suppose I'm getting ahead of things, for now. It's just so hard not to jump directly to worst case.<br />
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I went in for my beta this morning, even though there was a huge sheet of ice covering all of South Jersey. While M was doing my blood draw, I started to ask her. I asked about the Dex because I honestly couldn't remember what I was told with that; she said I was probably supposed to continue on that but she'd check. Then I asked about the Met. She said that I was supposed to stop it. So I started to ask my questions about that, before I could even get the question out she finished what I was going to say. She said that they normally give the Met because it (through a series of events) can improve egg quality & allow ovulation to happen. Once you're pregnant there's really no need for those things. They were aware of the studies, but there's not yet enough evidence & they have had women opt to stay on it. (run-on sentence, I can't fix it, I don't care) I asked about the risks & she just said that she'd have the NP call me with my beta this afternoon to discuss.<br />
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Now we wait.....<br />
and wait...<br />
and wait...<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-64158604008171216442014-01-09T13:12:00.002-08:002014-01-09T13:12:27.257-08:00PGAL/IF brain is a motherfucker! I've said it before & I'll probably say it a lot more times(FX!). I'm trying to snap outta this funk, I swear I am. It's so frickin hard though.<br />
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When I got home last night, S told me that he had been talking to a friend of his. She is kinda the only person he has to talk to about what's going on, she went through loss & IF so she gets it. She told S that she was pretty much a nutcase until the day her daughter was born & that it actually got worse for her once she was past her loss milestone because she had no clue what was supposed to be happening. I guess it makes me feel a little less crazy to know that.<br />
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After talking to him, I went to dig out something from our wedding.<br />
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We had <a href="http://southernweddings.com/2011/07/21/uncovering-southern-traditions-cake-pulls/" target="_blank">cake pulls</a> & this was the one I got. It stands for happy, healthy children. I decided I was going to carry this around with me. I don't really believe in good luck, or charms, or any of that; but when I see it, I feel a little glimmer of hope. So until I feel better about this, this charm will be in my pocket.<br />
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Beta #4 tomorrow.....Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-51263207363639171132014-01-08T09:03:00.000-08:002014-01-08T09:27:07.823-08:00More beta funBeta #3 was this morning & I got the results back early. Beta is 203, P4 is sitting pretty at 34.02. That beta is a doubling time of just over 49 hours, still right in the normal range. But my PGAL brain sees that & automatically thinks something is wrong. That's a slower double than the one before it. Why is it slower? What does that mean? Is baby slowing down? Are we headed for another loss? Why do my symptoms seem basically non-existent today? FUUUUCK!<br />
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I should be fucking happy right now. But no! All I get to feel is anxious & scared shitless. It's hitting me that I will never have the experience of seeing a positive test & getting to be happy for more than a damn day max. Never. The first BFP, I was elated until I got the call with a low first beta. From then on I was convinced that it wasn't going to last. This time I got a little flicker of excitement, but I think that was more from sharing the news & having other people be excited. I got a little excited when the second beta came in, but that didn't last long.</div>
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I'm so jealous of the women on the September board that get to be naive & blissful. I envy them so much. All the happy ones, all the ones complaining about puking (I'd fucking give anything to hurl all over my desk right now), all the ones who are allowed to exercise. I envy Every.Single.One of them.</div>
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I'm just sitting here waiting for the good news to stop. It's impossible to be optimistic. This isn't fucking fair. I want to be happy. I want to be so happy that I'm just bursting at the seams to tell everyone I know the good news. Instead, I just want to hide in my bed til the first ultrasound.<br />
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When does the being scared end? When do I get to calm down & enjoy the fact that I'm pregnant? Does it ever happen? Am I going to be a psycho bitch until the day I deliver?</div>
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Here's an update to the beta comparison:</div>
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Based on 48 hr doubling & 72 hour once we're over 1200, it looks like I get to continue the beta fun through next Friday for a total of 7 betas, again.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-34267902864541890782014-01-06T19:20:00.000-08:002014-01-06T19:54:16.187-08:00Beta #2Just like I remembered from July, waiting for beta results is fucking torture! I went in at 8 for the blood draw. Then I headed to work & did basically nothing all day long. I just couldn't focus. Finally around 3:45, when I hadn't heard from the office, I caved & called them. I got the answering service, they put me through to the office. Beta #2 came in at 104, P4 is 28.12. So we're definitely ahead of last time.<br />
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I decided to dig through the chats with S last Summer to find my exact betas from then. I made a chart to compare. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to compare one pregnancy to another; but it makes me feel better. Until I have a healthy ultrasound to look at, I have to do whatever I can to try to calm my PGAL brain.<br />
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The comparison:<br />
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In slightly less crazy person news; S keeps asking if my betas can indicate if this is a singleton or twin pregnancy. Not knowing is killing him & amusing me :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-7695948362752094722014-01-03T13:42:00.003-08:002014-01-03T13:42:53.126-08:00BFP!!!Yesterday(12dpiui, 11dpo) my temp dropped & I was sure this cycle was over. So sure that I stocked up on wine & beer for the weekend on my way home. I was nauseous as hell last night so I stuck to ginger ale last night. I woke up around 4:15 & since I had to be up early for my beta, I decided to temp. It went back up! Woo, I had some hope for my beta. I wanted to go back to sleep, but once I'm even a little awake I have to go to the bathroom. I did & went back to bed. I fell back asleep & had a dream that I tested & got a positive. That woke me up at 5:15. I laid there for a few minutes trying to fall back asleep, I wanted to test now but I wanted 4 hours since I went to the potty. Nope, I was awake & had to go. So I tested with a Wondfo, a faint line came up but a lot of women have gotten false positives lately. So then I decided to dip a FRER, 3 minutes later...positive! There was a definite second line. I took about 30 pictures of my test because I just didn't believe it. Then I tried to get back in bed & sleep again. No way, not happening. I tried checking FB, TB, & playing candy crush to distract myself...wasn't working.<br />
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Finally I decided to wake up Sean. Once I finally got him semi-awake & to turn his lamp on, I handed him the test. He looked at it & said, "Oh, I'm sorry babe." I said, "What are you sorry for? That's a positive!" Silly sleepy head. So we laid there, talking & hugging for a bit. Then I needed to get ready & he needed to dig the car out since we got 7 inches of snow last night.<br />
<br />
We headed over to Dr. T's office for my beta. The nurse was all confused because I came in, in shit weather just for blood work. So I confessed to testing at home. She said, "Well shit, I woulda come in too!" I love these people.<br />
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I came home & told all of my friends from TB. Those ladies are so fucking amazing! I honestly don't know how I would have gotten this far without them.<br />
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Now the waiting for the beta. I finally got the call around 2:30. Beta #1 is 31, my P4 is 19.7. They were happy with my beta & want to start me on Prometrium to supplement my Progesterone. With my pregnancy in July, beta #1 at 13dpo was only 22 so we're ahead of that so I should be happy. I'm fucking terrified though. I'm so scared to lose this. Neither S nor I have let ourselves get excited. I hate that. This should be a time that I'm elated & loss has robbed me of that. The best I can try to do is be optimistic & I'm not doing great with that.<br />
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Beta #2 is Monday, so for now we just have to focus on doubling times & not what the actual number is. As long as that goes well, I'll be going in every other day for betas until it hits 2000. Last time that ended up taking about 8 or 9 betas ( I don't remember). Once we hit that number, they'll schedule my first ultrasound.<br />
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Obligatory pee stick for ya:<br />
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I'll probably keep peeing on things until at least bets #2. Hopefully I can calm down a little after that.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-35268183759600198462014-01-01T16:12:00.000-08:002014-01-01T16:12:01.901-08:00ReflectionsIt's New Year's Day 2014, it's only natural to reflect on the previous year. 2013 was a bitch. We had a cancer scare for S, IF for me, pregnancy, miscarriage, & surgery. Those are the negative highlights.<br />
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I've made some amazing friends though. Without these people & my husband, I seriously doubt I would have gotten through it. But we did. 2013 did not beat us & that's what we need to focus on.<br />
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Moving on to 2014!<br />
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We're at the tail end of the 2WW of our first IUI cycle. My beta is scheduled for Friday, which is 12dpo. That's still a hair early, but it's when they scheduled me. My plan is to go in for my blood work & then run to the potty there & pee on a stick (unless my temp drops that morning, I'll assume negative in that case). I need to know what's going on before my phone rings. Being surprised by a BFN in the middle of the day, at work, just won't go well.<br />
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We also have a huge move coming up fast. We're moving from New Jersey to Louisiana. It's an imposing task, but we have the wheels in motion. We're approved for an apartment, just waiting for a unit to open up. We're starting to pack up things here & there. We're also getting estimates for movers. I'm worried about getting everything done & planned, but I think we can figure it out.<br />
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I feel like 2014 is going to be a great year, for us & for so many of my friends. Cheers! Great things are coming!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-65141963668424940612013-12-30T14:24:00.002-08:002013-12-30T14:24:46.419-08:00To pee or not to peeWe're in the home stretch of this cycle already. Today is 9dpt & iui and 8dpo. I don't normally get many, if any, symptoms during my 2ww; I assume that's because my progesterone is normally on the low side. Well this time it's not. I've been fatigued since 3dpo, nauseous since 5dpo & my boobers have been hurting since 7dpo. All of which are too early to actually be associated with pregnancy.<br />
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Having finally experienced this, I can almost understand why we get so many "OMG AM I PREGGO???" posts from women that are only around a week from ovulation. If I didn't know any better I would have already peed on things.<br />
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But I do know better. So now the question is, when to start testing. My beta is scheduled for Friday, which is 12dpo (Isn't that early for betas?). I think I can hold off testing that long. I know, for sure, that I want to have tested before they call with my results. Do I test before? If I get a negative, it's gonna be really hard for me not to get back in bed & skip the appointment. If it's positive, obviously there's no problem. I could try to test after, but since I have to go straight to work from there how will I test with fmu? I seriously doubt that I can wake up, shower, get ready, & get there without my bladder bursting.<br />
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I am still temping, though I only have from 5dpo moving forward. Maybe if my temp hasn't taken a dive that morning, I'll feel confident to test at home. Who knows. Maybe I need to ask the Magic 8 ball. It seems to know all.<br />
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Either way, I'm still trying to convince myself that this won't work. I don't feel like it's safe for me to hope. Why should I be so lucky? I feel like surely all my good luck for this cycle has been used up, just by things going right. EFFFF! This stinks. I want to be naive & hopeful dammit!<br />
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Side note: On Friday, when I was going over the appointment with S, I told him that I ovulated both eggs. The look on his face was fantastic.<br />
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"So wait, that means...omg what if...holy shit. I knew twins were a possibility, but I just connected that it actually might happen." LOLz! He's so cute when he's stupid.</div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-20678073507899115342013-12-27T08:22:00.000-08:002013-12-27T13:11:18.883-08:00180 daysThat's it. Out of the 365 days I paid for, a handful of free days, & the 2 months my Fertility Friend account was paused, 180 remain. So 6 months. That's what I have left to get KU & stay that way before I run out of my paid time. Not sure why it matters, but when I logged in this morning, that number jumped out at me as a milestone.<br />
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I had my monitoring appointment this morning. It was showing 2 corpus luteum, indicating that both follicles ovulated. The NP said that my lining had doubled in thickness (yay!) & that every thing looked right on track. She asked if & when we had sex, I told her Sunday afternoon. She asked if I had an idea of when I ovulated. I said, based on the almost crippling pain, I was pretty confident that those eggies burst free late Sunday. So she said that she felt like we had a really good shot this cycle.<br />
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I should be happy about that, right? But my head won't let me. I've been preparing myself for a BFN, odds of that are greater. I've always been an "expect the worst" kinda gal. IF & loss have just made that mindset even worse. Now I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Good news is almost always followed by bad. That's what we've experienced up to this point, why should things change now.<br />
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Now I'm just sitting here waiting for my phone to hopefully not ring. If my progesterone was at least a 15 this morning, then I won't get a call. Since I have a history of it being low, I expect my phone to ring in an hour or 2 telling me that a script for P suppositories has been faxed to CVS. I'm a little nervous about those. I was on Prometrium for the pregnancy, but I took it orally that time.<br />
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Oh well, FX for a quiet phone.<br />
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Edit: 4pm rolled around & I hadn't heard from them. I had to call, I can't deal with "if you don't hear from us, everything is fine." Well for now, everything IS fine. My progesterone came back at 15! At 7dpo on a medicated cycle they are looking for 15, today is only 5-6dpo. My body decided not to be a jerkface! WOOT!<br />
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This is me right now:</div>
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Gotta revel in the small victories :)</div>
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Completely unrelated, My BFF from home is up in the area right now. Once I get off work we're heading to the train to go see her in NYC for a little bit! Yippee!</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-48864251106103983622013-12-26T13:54:00.002-08:002013-12-26T14:52:07.734-08:00Merry Holid....is it over yet?First of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS! I'm a day late on that, but I wanted to wish anyone that may stumble across this a very happy holiday season.<br />
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This has been rough, much more so than I imagined. I spent the last 2 days before Christmas, trying to get myself in the spirit of things. I watched movie after movie, shopped, wrapped gifts, baked, & went to a small holiday party on Christmas Eve. On the way home from that, I was just starting to feel Christmassy. Then we walked into our apartment. There it was, Christmas Eve, undecorated & cold. There was a small pile of gifts in the corner of the living room, but other than that there were no signs of Christmas at our house.<br />
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We crawled into bed super early & watched the Harold & Kumar Christmas movie. Surely mindless pot humor with dick & fart jokes mixed in would cheer me up. It did too, until we got to the end of the movie when Harold & Maria got a BFP on Christmas morning. All I could do was look over at S and say, "Well that's not happening tomorrow morning!" I don't know why I felt the need to tell him that, but I blurted it our before I could stop myself. I hate myself for saying that, I should have kept it in. The flash of pain in his eyes was horrible. He hugged me & said that he already knew that, but hopefully we'd have some good news in a little over a week. I honestly don't know where he finds the strength to keep as positive as he does.<br />
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Christmas morning, we were sitting down to open our gifts & I snapped at him for something so stupid I can't even remember it. I went to get a cup of coffee & came back to see him fighting back tears. He lost it. "This is not how this Christmas was supposed to be. We were supposed to be pregnant, just a few months away from baby being here. This was supposed to be our last childless Christmas." I honestly didn't know how to console him. All I could do was hug him & let him cry it out until one of our pets decided to do something to break the tension. Dori took care of that, she freaks out anytime he cries & has to come try to fix it. She squeezed between us, got on his lap, flopped onto her back, & started pawing at him til she got belly rubs. His puppy was there for him to love, all was right with the world again.<br />
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So, we opened presents, crammed some breakfast in our faces, packed up the car & headed to his great aunt's house. The great thing about holidays with his family is that they're usually child-free & booze-filled. We made it through the day with no mention of children or questions about the occupancy of my uterus. The only slight reminder was when his great aunt asked me if I was already looking for a job for once we moved. The real answer to that is, "We're hoping that I'm pregnant by that time. So, No, not looking for a job." The answer I have to give, "Ehhhh, we'll see what's going on. I have a few friends looking out for openings for me." But other than that, it was a nice enough day.<br />
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I have been temping since my IUI, though I'm pretty sure my BBT esta muerto. I've gotten 97.58 for 4 of my last 5 temps. So I decided to delete all of them & toss the thermometer. Those numbers just can't be right. Tomorrow is only 5dpo, so I'll temp orally the rest of the cycle just to see what it looks like. I decided to test this morning to see if my trigger was still there:<br />
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It's super faint (much easier to see IRL), but there still. I'll test again on Saturday, that's 7dpt. If it's still there at that point, I'll test daily I guess. Not using another FRER until I want to confirm a negative wondfo.<br />
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Tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound & some blood work. I expect progesterone in some form to follow that appointment. WOOOO! Bring on the headaches & sore tatties!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-65359514709103623912013-12-22T15:41:00.002-08:002013-12-22T15:41:33.894-08:00IUI #1is in the books! Yesterday, we got up early as hell for S to go make his deposit. I sent him off & stayed home to get ready because we both over slept. He was scheduled to get there at 7. At 7:10, he called me to let me know that no one was at the lab. What the hell? I called the answering service & they tried to reach someone. They couldn't. Apparently they were just running late & didn't know they had anyone scheduled for this morning. He did his thing & came home to pick me up. We went to breakfast while they processed his sample.<br />
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We headed back to the clinic for my 9am spermination. The nurse was the only one there when we got there. She grabbed my Ovidrel from their cooler & started talking to me about administering it. She told me that they had to charge $10 for them to administer. I said nbd, I can do it. We headed to the exam room (they let S come back) & she kept trying to tell me how to do the shot, then she closed the door & said "Screw it, I'm the only one here. They won't know I did it for you." The shot was fine, just a tiny pinch.<br />
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I asked why we switched my trigger from the night before to day of the IUI. She said there must have been something in my b/w to indicate that I was about to ovulate on my own. She said it's pretty common for my office to do it on the same day, if they want to try to make sure that the patient doesn't ovulate before the IUI. Once the doc got there, I confirmed that with him.<br />
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The IUI itself was fine. I has some cramping when they injected his sample, they said that was normal. Just had to lay there for 20 minutes before we could get up & leave. I swear everything leaked out of me while I was laying there, but I suppose that's highly unlikely. Before heading out, I asked for S's post wash numbers: 48.5 mil per ml & 88% motile. I think they only put in a half ml sample though, so 24.25 mil. Still good numbers from what I'm reading. I go back Friday for a confirmation ultrasound & bloodwork, then January 3rd is my beta.<br />
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From there, we headed to S's family Christmas party. We hung out there for a few hours & then headed home & went to bed super early.<br />
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I decided to temp this morning, for s&g I guess. I haven't temped at all this cycle. My temp was in my normal post-O range. I guess I'll temp for my 2WW just to see what it does, I should at least be able to see my temp dropping if I'm out.<br />
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Today has been spent watching Christmas movies & trying like hell to get into the holiday spirit. It's not working, but I'll keep trying. Home Alone 2 is on right now. Up next, Christmas Vacation.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-77889742462125145842013-12-15T21:21:00.001-08:002013-12-16T06:32:46.694-08:00Cycle 14I'm behind on my updates. Last week we fairly uneventful, for the most part. By Monday, I was pretty confident that last cycle was a bust. I called our insurance company to register for our infertility benefits. First the woman tried to tell me we had basically zero coverage for treatments. I had to point out to her that she was looking at an expired policy. She looked at our current policy & said that we did have coverage(I already knew that, thanks for the mini heart attack lady!). Then I had to answer a bunch of questions about my diagnosis, the pregnancy & miscarriage, & the adventures with my tubes. It would have been a lot easier to just redirect her here. She tells me that I'm all qualified & registered, I have a lifetime benefit of $5K. <span style="color: red;">::::Screeching brakes:::::</span> Our policy lists 6 IUIs & then 3 IVF cycles. How the frick is 5 grand supposed to cover that? Once I got off the phone with her, I send S a message. Before I completely flipped out, I wanted him to look into things. He looked into it & we're good. WHEW!<br />
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Wednesday morning, my temp plummeted & confirmed what I already knew about this cycle. Just after midnight, AF was here. Thursday, I called Dr. T's office to report CD1. They seemed as confused as I was about what his plan for me was, but they set me up for a baseline appointment on Friday morning.<br />
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Friday I got to the office & got called back for my blood work. The nurse told me that she was pretty sure Dr T wanted to just do a monitored cycle & start meds in January. I was a little upset, I was under the impression that he was ready to move right into medicated cycles. She said that the NP would review everything & get the doctor's decision. From there I went for my visit with Dr. Vag-Cam. Everything looked good. The NP said that as long as my blood work was ok, she thought that Dr. T wanted to start me on Clomid or Tamoxifen, then we'd do a trigger shot & IUI. She agreed that IUI was the smart choice because of Sean's lower volume. Around 2:30, I got the call that I would be starting Clomid on Saturday, take that for 5 days & then go back in a week for another ultrasound & blood work.<br />
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Saturday, I got up & took my first dose. Then we packed up a few gifts we had & headed up state to visit some friends. We spent the afternoon with one of S's college buddies & his family. Got to run around with their toddler in the snow & play with playdoh (which I freakin love). Then we headed to dinner with @doodmama & her husband. It was good to catch up with her. Last time I saw her was over the summer, now she's 8 weeks pregnant! Since we'd gotten up there, about 6 inches of snow had come down & it was still falling heavily. The drive home that normally takes 2 hours, took 4 & included a craptastic ice storm. Whatever. It was worth it to spend some times with friends we rarely get to see :)<br />
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I took dose 2 this morning. Until tonight I really hadn't felt anything as far as side effects. But after dinner I started feeling some twinges on my right side & had a hot flash, I guess that's the Clomid. Hopefully it's working its magic in there. We'll find out soon enough.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975557036121934779.post-68861870672454478092013-12-08T21:43:00.000-08:002013-12-08T22:27:51.308-08:00How do you know when it's time?Today started off as really nice day. We took S's parents out to brunch (thanks Amazon local!). While we were there it started snowing, hard! By the time we left, there was almost 4 inches of snow on the ground! WHAT??? There was nothing an hour before! It was nice tough. For a little while, I forgot about all the reasons I did't give a damn about the holidays. I just enjoyed the winter wonderland around me. It felt good to forget. We ended up getting about 9 inches of snow on a day we were supposed t get a "light dusting." Ice & freezing rain to come over night.<br />
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A few pics from earlier:<br />
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As the day moved on, my mind started to wonder to the decision I needed to make this week. Today is 8DPO. If this cycle is a failure, I should see CD1 around mid week. If we're going to proceed with a medicated cycle, I need to have that decision made so I can call the office to set up CD3 ultrasound & blood work. </div>
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I keep going back & forth on this decision. One day, I'm absolutely sure I want to try one more natural cycle. The next, I'm convinced that it's time for some help from Dr. T. How the hell does anyone make this decision? We got pregnant one, can we do it again? How long would it take? Should we start using our covered cycles? We have coverage for 6 medicated cycles, lifetime. After that, we have coverage for 3 IVF cycles. If we use all 6 now to conceive #1, they won't be there for #2. If we need all 6 cycles for #1, that would be an EDD in like January of 2015! 2015! I know I'm getting way the hell ahead of things, but it's just how my brain works. If it takes until then, will we even want to try for another? I've always been adamant (for no good reason at all) about not having kids after 35. Will I still care about that arbitrary deadline? Why do we do this (these deadlines) to ourselves? Nothing good or productive ever comes from it.</div>
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Then again, maybe all my body needs is a little boost. Maybe getting progesterone earlier will help my next bean stick & grow better/faster/stronger. Maybe I'll be one of those lucky girls that gets pregnant with just one cycle. Maybe, maybe, maybe.</div>
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Maybe not.</div>
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S & I were reviewing insurance (joy of all joys) while dinner was cooking. We got the bill for my lap yesterday. Thank goodness for insurance. The pre-coverage cost was $20K!!! Holy balls! That turned into really examining our current IF coverage. It looks like we have the 6 cycles, but to have the meds covered those will be pills. It looks like injectable meds aren't covered. I guess if we get to a point that Dr. T thinks those are best, we'll have to see what the OOP cost is.</div>
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I told S that I needed his input. "I'm ready for whatever you're ready for," just isn't good enough anymore. This is about both of us & he needs to weigh in here. He said he really didn't understand enough to know what he thought. So we talked through my knowledge of how things go, the risks, & TI vs IUI. As of now, he's ok to try another cycle. But, if we decided to start meds now, he thinks it makes more sense to go straight to IUI because he's worried about his slightly low volume. I can understand that concern, both of his SA's were right at the low end for normal on that. </div>
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His other concern is my mental health. We're both concerned about how I'll handle things if I'm not pregnant when 3/30/14 rolls around. Honestly I'm worried about what it'll do to S also. I think we are both faking it right now. Just doing what we need to keep pushing forward. But the truth is, we're both struggling to make sense of the shit we've been through. </div>
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We ended our conversation with a hesitant decision to move to medicated cycles. Right now we both need me to get pregnant. But I was still not confident in that decision. Then I came across these pictures:</div>
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These were my tests from July. I need to see this again. I don't care about what it takes to get there. Maybe it's a little premature to move to medicated cycles, maybe it isn't. There's just no way to know with absolute certainty. All I know for sure, is that we need to maximize our chances for each cycle. That means it's time for Dr. T to do his thing.<br />
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Side note: My blog posts are long as hell! I need to work on my editing like woah!<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06126189583272101151noreply@blogger.com6