HEARTBEAT DAY!

Today is officially the best Monday in the history of all Mondays ever. We got up bright & early, after a weekend of very little sleep (it's been a nerve wracking few days) and headed in for ultrasound #2. I was completely convinced that we were going to have bad results. I just knew it.

They took us back & we went to the other u/s room. I immediately started feeling a little better. The room I usually get stuck with is the bad news room for me. That's where I found out about my blockages & everything bad with the last pregnancy. I just looked at S & said, " I'm so relieved not to be in that other room." He said, "Me too." That room just has too many bad memories. I got ready, grabbed my charm, hopped up on the table & waited. It seemed like forever until the tech came in.

She came in, asked how I was doing & if I was nervous. I said that I was about to vomit all over the room. She was like ok then, let's get started. I laid back, clutched S's hand & just focused on him. Then I heard her start to turn the screen & saw his face light up (he had no idea what he was looking at, just that it was totally different than the pic on our fridge.) Before she said a word, I saw the flicker of our baby's heart. I started to cry immediately.  She said, "Yep, there it is. That's your baby's heart!" S started crying along with me. Then she did all her measurements & had me hold my breath so she could get a good read on baby's heart, 127bpm!

It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!

After, we went to see the NP. She echoed that everything looked fantastic. According to her little wheel gizmo & based on my trigger date; they are setting my EDD at 9/16/14. This puts me at 6w6d. She said that baby is measuring 6w3d, as long as we're within a week of where I should be, things are good. I'll go back on 2/10 for my next ultrasound. Provided that everything looks good at that point, I'll graduate to my OB's office.

Sean wants to call the baby "Thumper" & I think I like that, so here's Thumper:

Meet the blob

I went in for ultrasound #1 this morning. I'm only 5w5d by my calculations, so I knew that there wouldn't be much to see. But part of me was really hoping that I'd be one of those super lucky gals that got to see the first tiny flicker at 5w5d, which is the earliest it is detectable. It was foolish to hope, but I couldn't help it.

The tech get set up & things got on the way. I didn't look at the screen at first, I just couldn't. I was too scared to see nothing. After a minute, she asked if I had a fibroid....what??? No, I do not. Apparently she was having trouble seeing the top of my uterus. NBD. My uterus is tilted, I'm sure that's what caused her issues. Then she turned the screen & started pointing things out to me. Sac, yolk sac, possible fetal pole(although it's still very tiny), lining, yada, yada. I swear as she was going through different images I saw something flickering, but she didn't seem to notice it so it was probably just my imagination.

She finished up & told me it looked like things were developing correctly. The yolk sac is the big concern & that was clearly visible. She said she'd put me closer to 5w2d. I can deal with that, I think...

Here's the blob. I haven't come up with anything else to call it yet, so blob it is for now.

Where the brighter white on the little blob in the sac is, that's where I swear I saw a flicker.

I talked to the NP after. She thinks it's possible that I may have ovulated a day later that I thought & that I may have had later implantation. I guess that would jive with my low first beta. They want me to continue to come for b/w every 4 days, so Monday & Friday next week. She said they repeat scans every 2 weeks. Uh-uh, no freakin way. There is no way I can wait that long. So I'm going back on the 27th, which is 10 days. At that point, I should be pushing 7 weeks by their dates.

I'm still scared. Last time, my first scan put me about a week behind. 10 days later, the news was not good. I guess there's not much to do now other than sit, wait, & try not to go insane.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE grow little blob. We love you so much!

Beta #5!

Today's beta came in at 1889, doubling time of 34.57hrs! They want to schedule my first ultrasound on Friday, at 5w5d. There probably won't be much to see in there; most likely just the sac(s) & maybe a tiny dot in it. But it'll confirm how many are in there & that it's in the uterus, not tube. I'm a little bummed because, unless I reschedule for Monday, S will miss it. I'll have to see how he feels about it.

But for now, for the first time, I feel hopeful. This might really be it! I don't want to get too excited, but it's really hard not to.

I still have to go for one more beta on Wednesday because they insist on seeing the number over 2K before the ultrasound, but should be done with those finally at that point.

5 weeks

I'm 5 weeks today, provided that all is going well. Baby is the size of an apple seed. My appetite is basically non-existent, I'm sure nausea isn't helping that. I started back on Met Friday night, adding those side effects to the mix hasn't been fun. My worst symptom has been breast pain. I had to start sleeping with my snoggle already to stop me from tummy sleeping. I'm not a fan of sleeping on my side, but I'm even less fond of waking up at 4am daily because it feels like there's a knitting needle jabbed in my nip.

Beta #5 is tomorrow. With any luck, next Monday will be my first ultrasound.

#4

Is finally frickin in! Beta = 446, doubling time of 42.27hrs. I can't say I feel much sense of relief, but I can say for now I'm still pregnant.

I talked to the NP about taking Met. She said the doc like to take people off it, but she's done a lot of research on it & thinks that there may be something to staying on it. So I'll start that back up tonight, hopefully it's not too late.

Tons of love & thank you's to everyone that's sending me good vibes, love & support. I don't think I could get through this without each of you. (That feels really dramatic, but it's how I feel)

I need to chill

This is going to start getting repetitive, sorry ahead of time. I find myself constantly apologizing to S & the staff at the RE's office too. I can't help it, it's just all I can think about.

I had dinner with my friend last night & she knows what's going on. She's also someone I usually have a few drinks with. I managed not to completely out myself, but I'm pretty sure she's on to me. Hopefully I'll have some good news to tell her at the Super Bowl party we'll be at in a few weeks.

Then I got home & started playing on FB. Some of the ladies on IDOB started a conversation about Metformin & pregnancy. Dr T took me off it last BFP & did the same this time. I never gave it much of a second thought, & that was my bad. I forgot that I need to second guess & research everything I'm told. But, apparently women with PCOS are at higher risk for early miscarriage. And, the part that set me off, Metformin might be able to reduce that risk.

WTF? Does this mean my first loss was preventable? Could we have somehow avoided the agony that we've been going through? More importantly, does this mean that I'm heading for the same thing because I'm off it again? Of course there's no way to really answer these questions. All we know, conclusively, about the first loss is that it was not due to a chromosomal abnormality. As far as this one goes, all we know that as of now my betas are doubling.

But none of that mattered, I lost it. I ugly cried, like I haven't done in months. I told S that I felt almost certain that we were going to lose this & that I wasn't sure I'd want to keep trying after another loss. The truth is, I fully believe both of those things. I probably didn't need to share that with him, but I said it faster than I could stop myself. One loss is absolutely soul-crushing. If another one happens, I really don't know if I'm strong enough to risk it a 3rd time.

But I suppose I'm getting ahead of things, for now. It's just so hard not to jump directly to worst case.

I went in for my beta this morning, even though there was a huge sheet of ice covering all of South Jersey. While M was doing my blood draw, I started to ask her. I asked about the Dex because I honestly couldn't remember what I was told with that; she said I was probably supposed to continue on that but she'd check. Then I asked about the Met. She said that I was supposed to stop it. So I started to ask my questions about that, before I could even get the question out she finished what I was going to say. She said that they normally give the Met because it (through a series of events) can improve egg quality & allow ovulation to happen. Once you're pregnant there's really no need for those things. They were aware of the studies, but there's not yet enough evidence & they have had women opt to stay on it. (run-on sentence, I can't fix it, I don't care) I asked about the risks & she just said that she'd have the NP call me with my beta this afternoon to discuss.

Now we wait.....
and wait...
and wait...

PGAL/IF brain is a motherfucker! I've said it before & I'll probably say it a lot more times(FX!). I'm trying to snap outta this funk, I swear I am. It's so frickin hard though.

When I got home last night, S told me that he had been talking to a friend of his. She is kinda the only person he has to talk to about what's going on, she went through loss & IF so she gets it. She told S that she was pretty much a nutcase until the day her daughter was born & that it actually got worse for her once she was past her loss milestone because she had no clue what was supposed to be happening. I guess it makes me feel a little less crazy to know that.

After talking to him, I went to dig out something from our wedding.

We had cake pulls & this was the one I got. It stands for happy, healthy children. I decided I was going to carry this around with me. I don't really believe in good luck, or charms, or any of that; but when I see it, I feel a little glimmer of hope. So until I feel better about this, this charm will be in my pocket.


Beta #4 tomorrow.....