Is this real life?

I've been a horrible blogger. I haven't been supportive of my fellow bloggers. I haven't posted much about my pregnancy in the last 2 months or more. I'm here with awful news.

On Tuesday of last week, we went for an elective scan & found out, after a lot of poking & prodding, that we were expecting a wonderful little girl. We were elated. (obvi not the awful part)





*******WARNING: The following will be graphic, detailed & probably hard to read(maybe, I don't really know what I'm about to say). Please skip to the bottom for tl;dr*******





On Tuesday of last week, we went for an elective scan & found out, after a lot of poking & prodding, that we were expecting a wonderful little girl. We were elated.

Thursday morning, I woke up & felt like I peed every time I stood up. I realized that I had been feeling that way more & more since Monday night. My first instinct was to shrug it off, pregnant women pee themselves nbd. After a short discussion with the SAIF ladies, I decided to trust my gut & call the OB's office. My OB(Dr. G) was on her way out for a delivery, but wanted me to come in immediately with a urine test. So I did. I waited about 10 minutes & the nurse(who has less personality than a brick wall) came to tell me that my sample was negative for any amniotic fluid. I'm not really sure how it would be there, I guess they assume some would transfer to the container while I was giving my sample. Anyway, she told me that Dr. A would need to do an exam to 100% rule out a problem. Then she asked if I wanted to do that, like any person in their right mind would leave without an exam at that point!(This will be addressed on Friday) So I waited until she could see me.

Dr A looked in & asked if I had any cramping over the last few days. I had. Since Monday, I had pretty consistent cramping on the right side, but nothing excruciating. She told me that I had begun to dilate & that my membranes were protruding(I had no idea what the fuck that meant). She wanted to send me over to see the MFM. She then paused & said, "No, I want you on your back. You're going to the hospital." My heart immediately sank. I was supposed to meet a friend across the street for lunch, so she came right over to take me. I called S while I was getting dressed & he started getting ready to meet us there. We rushed over, I was admitted & before I knew it I was in a gown & forbidden to get out of bed. They had me laying in Trendelenburg position (flat on my back, feet higher than my head by about 15-30 degrees). I was only allowed to sit up to get on the bed pan(those are a J-O-Y), other than that, I could roll to my side as long as I kept the angle I was supposed to. Suffice it to say, eating was exhausting & I usually gave up a few bites in.

I spent Thursday & Friday like that. Dr G came by a few times & really tried to just get us to prepare for the worst. Generally, this leads to an infection that causes preterm labor or water breaking that leads to the same. The MFM was supposed to come see me & never did. There's more to that part, but he never came & it wouldn't have made a difference, so why get into it.

Friday morning, S showed up at the hospital with a surprise. He had flown my mom up from New Orleans. It feels juvenile, but sometimes you just need your mommy.

I woke up 4 or 5 times Friday night & each time I had some discharge, but not much. Saturday morning, I went to the bathroom & had a ton of bloody cm. I told the nurse about it & she told me that it was likely due to pushing to go to the bathroom. I knew that wasn't the case. This was the beginning of the end, I was pretty confident of that. My mom, S & I were in the room attempting to eat lunch & I felt a gush of something. I sent S to get the nurse immediately. She came in & told me it was blood. The resident from L&D(Dr H) came to examine me. She didn't say much, she went to call Dr G who was on call. The nurse started an iv & started me just one some liquids. Dr H came back & told me that my water had broken & the bag was completely gone. I was going to need to deliver. She told me that I could do it now or I could wait for Dr G to arrive in about 30 minutes. We asked for a few minutes to decide.

While she was out, we asked the nurse about how we'd treat the body after, could we cremate her? She said that we could & that they'd review it with us after. She told us that they would be taking her after & cleaning her up, wrapping her in a blanket & taking some pics. She asked if we were going to want to see her or hold her. Neither of us thought we'd be able to do that(in hindsight, there wouldn't have been time before my surgery anyway). She said that the pictures would be available for a while if we ever changed our mind.

Then Dr H came back & we decided to get started. It was fast. 2 quick pushes & she was out. Rowan Elizabeth entered this world sleeping at 2:20pm on 4/12/14. Thankfully, it wasn't physically painful. But emotionally it was devastating. After you push, you're supposed to hear beautiful crying from your baby, not you & your husband sob. Not your mom who is just a few feet away, breaking down completely. It was just all wrong. Dr H told me what a great job I had done & to just relax a little because it'd probably be a while for the placenta to detach & deliver. So I sat & waited. She came to check & gave it a bit of a tug & said we needed to wait more. A few minutes later, she came back & said that Dr G wanted to start me on pitocin to help move it along & that if nothing had changed by the time she got there, I was going for a D&E.

The pit did nothing. When Dr G got there, she checked me & I heard her say something about me being full of blood & we needed to get me to surgery. She said tat the nurse told her about our wish to cremate Rowan & she wanted to make sure that we really wanted to do that, extra cost and all that stuff. Before 20 weeks, you're not legally required. The alternative was to allow her to be discarded as medical waste. There's no way we could have done that, this is my child we're talking about. About 5 minutes after that, I was whisked off, on a table & being prepped. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in recovery with S by my side. I guess I knew something wasn't right. I was covered in layers of blanket & had another one wrapped around my head, all that was exposed was my face. I could hear people around me, something about a bag of blood, getting another blanket; I couldn't make out the rest. I remember the anesthesiologist asking if I was in pain & muttering a "yes", so she gave me more pain meds. I remember hearing the lab tech saying that there was no where left for her to draw blood & hearing someone snap at her about that. All I could really see was S's face out of the corner of my eye. After a while, the room cleared out & eventually it was just S & I. I guess we sat there for about an hour before they started peeling blankets off me & gave me some ice chips so I could try to rehydrate some.

Not long after that, I was being wheeled to a new room(I asked not to go back to the room I had been in).  While we were walking S told me that I had lost a lot of blood, but he didn't say much more than that. He told me he had taken the time to call a few people & that one of our friends(who works at the hospital) was in the room with our parents. We spent some time in there with them, S called some more people, my dad included, to update them. My dad got on the phone with me, got a few words out & just completely lost it. It crushed him to not be able to be there. Some time around 11, everyone cleared out & S & I were alone. He told me tat I had been in surgery for almost 3 hours & that when Dr G came out to talk to him she was white as a ghost & just told him that I'd lost a ton of blood & that it had been extremely complicated. She said she'd be by in the morning to check on me & review everything. We talked until about 1 & then we both passed out.

Around 6, my nurse came by to remove my catheter. Not too long after that Dr G came by. She started reviewing the surgery with us. She said that as soon as I was out, she put my knees up to start & blood came gushing out of me. They had to start transfusions immediately. She couldn't see to get to my cervix(she also included that I have a 'long vagina' & that my uterus was severely retroverted). She had to do the entire procedure by ultrasound. My placenta refused to detach from my uterus, she had to stick her entire hand in there & tease it away from my uterus wall. She then had to make multiple passes to get my lining to whatever thinness they need. She said that when she got home, her husband said she looked awful, her response to him, "I just had a patient try to die on me." WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? Losing our daughter wasn't enough. I was that close to death?

She said that I needed to have an SHG done in a few months & she also said that I was at risk for Asherman's Syndrome now. I need to read more on that, but it boils down to scar tissue in the uterus & more fertility problems. Fucking great! But I guess we'll have to deal with that later. And I'll have to probably consult with a MFM before we start trying again just to get a plan.

So anyway, they continued to monitor my heart, pulse-ox, & hemoglobin levels. Finally, around 6, they told me I could go home. They were really surprised by how well I was doing, but all my numbers were stable, so I could shower & GTFO.



***********SAFE TO READ AGAIN, well as safe as it gets**********

TL;DR:   On Thursday, I was admitted to the hospital with an incompetent cervix & the membranes from my sac were exposed/protruding into my vagina. I was immediately put on bed rest, in Trendelenburg position; flat on my back, feet higher than my head by about 15-30 degrees. Saturday morning, I had a large amount of bloody discharge & continued to leak urine or amniotic fluid all day. Around noon, they checked fetal heart tones & Rowan was doing well. 2 hours later, I was in labor. My precious girl was born sleeping at 2:20 on 4/12/14. I was sent for a D&E to remove the placenta, I hemorrhaged a dangerous amount. My body has been a rockstar & I bounced back much quicker than anyone expected. I was discharged about 24 hours later.


They sent us home with a memory box that contained her baby hat, blanket & a picture of her. Our plan was to wait to open it, but I knew S wanted to see her. When I woke up Monday, Sean was out of bed. I went to the bathroom. When I came out I noticed that the box was not where we left it & I didn't see S anywhere. I went back in the room & his face said it all. He had opened it. He needed to, I knew it. He said she was beautiful & already looked so much like me. He also told me that one of the documents they gave us was a "In memory of" certificate that had her tiny footprints on it. He's always been against tattoos, but says he wants to have her footprints done as a butterfly. It's absolutely killing him not to have his little girl here. Seeing him in this much pain is almost more than I can take.

Today(Tuesday, a week after we found out we were having a daughter) we got up & went to the funeral home. We had to sign a bunch of stuff & pick out a memorial box for her. The director asked if we wanted to see her before she was sent to the crematorium. My immediate reaction was no & S agreed, but I could tell that there was hesitation in that. I told him he needed to be sure, this was not a reversible decision. The director told us that we needed to take time & make a decision. So we left & were going to call back later. As soon as we got in the car, I told him that I wasn't sure about my decision not to see her. He admitted that he would regret not doing it & I agreed that I was almost confident that I would too. So that's where we are now. Tomorrow morning, we're going to say goodbye to our precious little Rowan. I don't know how we'll get through it, but I know, in my heart, that we both need it.

I'm sorry this got so long & I hope it's somewhat coherent.

I need to thank the ladies from my IF & SAIF groups & a handful of women from the Sept '14 board. It's impossible to name everyone, but your kindness, love & support have made it possible for me to push through each day. I love you all.