Thursday, April 17, 2014

Saying goodbye


I woke up this morning crying already. Today was the day. We were going to meet our little girl & say  goodbye to her. I honestly didn't think I was ready to do it. I was completely terrified of my reaction. But, waiting wasn't an option. It was today or never.

So we headed to the funeral home, sat in the parking lot crying, got our shit together & went in. They showed us to the room that they had her in. We walked in & I broke down as soon as I could see the box they had her in. I composed myself & took about 5 more steps before I got a glimpse of her tiny head, broke down again. Took a final deep breath & kept walking.

We got up to her. She was simply beautiful. There is no other word. I was speechless at the sight of this tiny, perfect little baby that we made. They had all 7.5 inches of her wrapped up in a newborn onesie & laid in a tiny bed; both of which were to big for her. She looked at peace, happy, loved.

We sat down in front of her, both of us completely mesmerized. Rowan means 'little red one' in Gaelic; we had inadvertently picked a perfect name for our sweetheart. I expected to be more, bothered isn't the right word, I dunno, taken aback(?) by her appearance; but all I saw was perfection. The first thing I noticed was that she had my mouth & my jawbone, S's nose(at least based on his baby pics). S told me that she resembled me, I thought he was being crazy pants. How can someone that young, developmentally, look like either of us? But she did. She looked like me, with touches of S mixed in.

Her tiny left hand was peeking through the blanket, S asked if I wanted to see the rest of her. I did, so we gently pulled the onesie back. Her feet seemed so huge on her tiny little body & she was tall, at least we thought so(I checked later, at 17 weeks she should have been 5-5.5 inches, my girl was 7.5!) She had long legs like me(yes, I'm short, but my legs are proportionally long) & S's long torso. S stuck the tip of his finger in her hand. He told me that if you pushed, super gently of course, on her palm, her fingers would 'close' around your finger. So I did it. It was the closest we'll ever get to holding Rowan's hand. <3

We both wanted to hold her, but were so scared to break her. Finally, I got up the nerve to do it. I scooped my hand under her & lifted her out of the bed. It was just completely remarkable. I told her I loved her, apologized to her(not 100% sure what for, different things I guess), gave her a kiss on her head & carefully put her back down. After a few minutes, S said he wanted to pick her up. He was still scared, he's a bit of a bull in a china shop. After I promised him it would be ok, he picked her up. It was so amazing to see him hold his baby girl. He brought her up to his chest, leaned over her & said a bunch of stuff that I couldn't really hear. Then he kissed her & put her back.

We sat there for probably another 30 minutes or so, smiling, crying, talking about what we thought her personality would be like. I couldn't tear myself from her. After we'd been there for, I don't know, an hour or more, it was time to go. If we didn't go then, I don't know if I ever could have. We took a few steps & both went back over to her, held her tiny hand one more time, kissed her again & turned to leave the room again. I made it about half way to the door, before I dropped my purse & went back to see Rowan one last time. Put my hand on her, said "I love you" & walked away.

After we got back in the car, we just sighed. There was a sense of relief & peace. We had closure, I guess. I never really understood that concept, but I guess that's what this feeling is. I'm still in so much pain(emotional, I'm mostly ok physically), but it's different somehow.

The hardest part of the whole experience was leaving her there. She'll be ready to come home Friday or Monday, I think I'll feel so much better having here home where I can make sure she's safe.


(I started this post on Wednesday; it took longer than I expected to finish. )

9 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you got to see her and hold her. And 7.5 inches! Those must be some pretty long legs!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so glad that you and S got to see and spend time with Rowan. I'm glad that it brought you some relief and peace. Hugs and so much love <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. She sounds like a perfect angel. It must have been so hard to go see her, but it seems like it was the right thing to do. She will forever be in your hearts. I'm praying for you three every day and hoping you all find peace and comfort.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ((Hugs)) I'm glad it was good for you to hold her and see her. I can only imagine the love you and S must have felt. Thinking of you guys everyday <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so glad you were able to see and hold your sweet baby. Continuing to think of you every day and sending you love <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. She sounds absolutely beautiful. I'm so glad you and S took some time to see her and be with her. I'm praying for you, S and Rowan, sending all my love your way. <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. Rowan sound beautiful, absolutely perfect. Sending lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Beautifully written. I am so glad you got to see your beautiful girl. <3

    ReplyDelete
  9. I know I'm late to this post as I've been out of the loop, but I love that you went to see her and I'm so glad you and S have the peace you need. So much love to you Becky!!!!

    ReplyDelete