HEARTBEAT DAY!

Today is officially the best Monday in the history of all Mondays ever. We got up bright & early, after a weekend of very little sleep (it's been a nerve wracking few days) and headed in for ultrasound #2. I was completely convinced that we were going to have bad results. I just knew it.

They took us back & we went to the other u/s room. I immediately started feeling a little better. The room I usually get stuck with is the bad news room for me. That's where I found out about my blockages & everything bad with the last pregnancy. I just looked at S & said, " I'm so relieved not to be in that other room." He said, "Me too." That room just has too many bad memories. I got ready, grabbed my charm, hopped up on the table & waited. It seemed like forever until the tech came in.

She came in, asked how I was doing & if I was nervous. I said that I was about to vomit all over the room. She was like ok then, let's get started. I laid back, clutched S's hand & just focused on him. Then I heard her start to turn the screen & saw his face light up (he had no idea what he was looking at, just that it was totally different than the pic on our fridge.) Before she said a word, I saw the flicker of our baby's heart. I started to cry immediately.  She said, "Yep, there it is. That's your baby's heart!" S started crying along with me. Then she did all her measurements & had me hold my breath so she could get a good read on baby's heart, 127bpm!

It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!

After, we went to see the NP. She echoed that everything looked fantastic. According to her little wheel gizmo & based on my trigger date; they are setting my EDD at 9/16/14. This puts me at 6w6d. She said that baby is measuring 6w3d, as long as we're within a week of where I should be, things are good. I'll go back on 2/10 for my next ultrasound. Provided that everything looks good at that point, I'll graduate to my OB's office.

Sean wants to call the baby "Thumper" & I think I like that, so here's Thumper:

Meet the blob

I went in for ultrasound #1 this morning. I'm only 5w5d by my calculations, so I knew that there wouldn't be much to see. But part of me was really hoping that I'd be one of those super lucky gals that got to see the first tiny flicker at 5w5d, which is the earliest it is detectable. It was foolish to hope, but I couldn't help it.

The tech get set up & things got on the way. I didn't look at the screen at first, I just couldn't. I was too scared to see nothing. After a minute, she asked if I had a fibroid....what??? No, I do not. Apparently she was having trouble seeing the top of my uterus. NBD. My uterus is tilted, I'm sure that's what caused her issues. Then she turned the screen & started pointing things out to me. Sac, yolk sac, possible fetal pole(although it's still very tiny), lining, yada, yada. I swear as she was going through different images I saw something flickering, but she didn't seem to notice it so it was probably just my imagination.

She finished up & told me it looked like things were developing correctly. The yolk sac is the big concern & that was clearly visible. She said she'd put me closer to 5w2d. I can deal with that, I think...

Here's the blob. I haven't come up with anything else to call it yet, so blob it is for now.

Where the brighter white on the little blob in the sac is, that's where I swear I saw a flicker.

I talked to the NP after. She thinks it's possible that I may have ovulated a day later that I thought & that I may have had later implantation. I guess that would jive with my low first beta. They want me to continue to come for b/w every 4 days, so Monday & Friday next week. She said they repeat scans every 2 weeks. Uh-uh, no freakin way. There is no way I can wait that long. So I'm going back on the 27th, which is 10 days. At that point, I should be pushing 7 weeks by their dates.

I'm still scared. Last time, my first scan put me about a week behind. 10 days later, the news was not good. I guess there's not much to do now other than sit, wait, & try not to go insane.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE grow little blob. We love you so much!

Beta #5!

Today's beta came in at 1889, doubling time of 34.57hrs! They want to schedule my first ultrasound on Friday, at 5w5d. There probably won't be much to see in there; most likely just the sac(s) & maybe a tiny dot in it. But it'll confirm how many are in there & that it's in the uterus, not tube. I'm a little bummed because, unless I reschedule for Monday, S will miss it. I'll have to see how he feels about it.

But for now, for the first time, I feel hopeful. This might really be it! I don't want to get too excited, but it's really hard not to.

I still have to go for one more beta on Wednesday because they insist on seeing the number over 2K before the ultrasound, but should be done with those finally at that point.

5 weeks

I'm 5 weeks today, provided that all is going well. Baby is the size of an apple seed. My appetite is basically non-existent, I'm sure nausea isn't helping that. I started back on Met Friday night, adding those side effects to the mix hasn't been fun. My worst symptom has been breast pain. I had to start sleeping with my snoggle already to stop me from tummy sleeping. I'm not a fan of sleeping on my side, but I'm even less fond of waking up at 4am daily because it feels like there's a knitting needle jabbed in my nip.

Beta #5 is tomorrow. With any luck, next Monday will be my first ultrasound.

#4

Is finally frickin in! Beta = 446, doubling time of 42.27hrs. I can't say I feel much sense of relief, but I can say for now I'm still pregnant.

I talked to the NP about taking Met. She said the doc like to take people off it, but she's done a lot of research on it & thinks that there may be something to staying on it. So I'll start that back up tonight, hopefully it's not too late.

Tons of love & thank you's to everyone that's sending me good vibes, love & support. I don't think I could get through this without each of you. (That feels really dramatic, but it's how I feel)

I need to chill

This is going to start getting repetitive, sorry ahead of time. I find myself constantly apologizing to S & the staff at the RE's office too. I can't help it, it's just all I can think about.

I had dinner with my friend last night & she knows what's going on. She's also someone I usually have a few drinks with. I managed not to completely out myself, but I'm pretty sure she's on to me. Hopefully I'll have some good news to tell her at the Super Bowl party we'll be at in a few weeks.

Then I got home & started playing on FB. Some of the ladies on IDOB started a conversation about Metformin & pregnancy. Dr T took me off it last BFP & did the same this time. I never gave it much of a second thought, & that was my bad. I forgot that I need to second guess & research everything I'm told. But, apparently women with PCOS are at higher risk for early miscarriage. And, the part that set me off, Metformin might be able to reduce that risk.

WTF? Does this mean my first loss was preventable? Could we have somehow avoided the agony that we've been going through? More importantly, does this mean that I'm heading for the same thing because I'm off it again? Of course there's no way to really answer these questions. All we know, conclusively, about the first loss is that it was not due to a chromosomal abnormality. As far as this one goes, all we know that as of now my betas are doubling.

But none of that mattered, I lost it. I ugly cried, like I haven't done in months. I told S that I felt almost certain that we were going to lose this & that I wasn't sure I'd want to keep trying after another loss. The truth is, I fully believe both of those things. I probably didn't need to share that with him, but I said it faster than I could stop myself. One loss is absolutely soul-crushing. If another one happens, I really don't know if I'm strong enough to risk it a 3rd time.

But I suppose I'm getting ahead of things, for now. It's just so hard not to jump directly to worst case.

I went in for my beta this morning, even though there was a huge sheet of ice covering all of South Jersey. While M was doing my blood draw, I started to ask her. I asked about the Dex because I honestly couldn't remember what I was told with that; she said I was probably supposed to continue on that but she'd check. Then I asked about the Met. She said that I was supposed to stop it. So I started to ask my questions about that, before I could even get the question out she finished what I was going to say. She said that they normally give the Met because it (through a series of events) can improve egg quality & allow ovulation to happen. Once you're pregnant there's really no need for those things. They were aware of the studies, but there's not yet enough evidence & they have had women opt to stay on it. (run-on sentence, I can't fix it, I don't care) I asked about the risks & she just said that she'd have the NP call me with my beta this afternoon to discuss.

Now we wait.....
and wait...
and wait...

PGAL/IF brain is a motherfucker! I've said it before & I'll probably say it a lot more times(FX!). I'm trying to snap outta this funk, I swear I am. It's so frickin hard though.

When I got home last night, S told me that he had been talking to a friend of his. She is kinda the only person he has to talk to about what's going on, she went through loss & IF so she gets it. She told S that she was pretty much a nutcase until the day her daughter was born & that it actually got worse for her once she was past her loss milestone because she had no clue what was supposed to be happening. I guess it makes me feel a little less crazy to know that.

After talking to him, I went to dig out something from our wedding.

We had cake pulls & this was the one I got. It stands for happy, healthy children. I decided I was going to carry this around with me. I don't really believe in good luck, or charms, or any of that; but when I see it, I feel a little glimmer of hope. So until I feel better about this, this charm will be in my pocket.


Beta #4 tomorrow.....

More beta fun

Beta #3 was this morning & I got the results back early. Beta is 203, P4 is sitting pretty at 34.02. That beta is a doubling time of just over 49 hours, still right in the normal range. But my PGAL brain sees that & automatically thinks something is wrong. That's a slower double than the one before it. Why is it slower? What does that mean? Is baby slowing down? Are we headed for another loss? Why do my symptoms seem basically non-existent today? FUUUUCK!

I should be fucking happy right now. But no! All I get to feel is anxious & scared shitless. It's hitting me that I will never have the experience of seeing a positive test & getting to be happy for more than a damn day max. Never. The first BFP, I was elated until I got the call with a low first beta. From then on I was convinced that it wasn't going to last. This time I got a little flicker of excitement, but I think that was more from sharing the news & having other people be excited. I got a little excited when the second beta came in, but that didn't last long.

I'm so jealous of the women on the September board that get to be naive & blissful. I envy them so much. All the happy ones, all the ones complaining about puking (I'd fucking give anything to hurl all over my desk right now), all the ones who are allowed to exercise. I envy Every.Single.One of them.

I'm just sitting here waiting for the good news to stop. It's impossible to be optimistic.  This isn't fucking fair. I want to be happy. I want to be so happy that I'm just bursting at the seams to tell everyone I know the good news. Instead, I just want to hide in my bed til the first ultrasound.

When does the being scared end? When do I get to calm down & enjoy the fact that I'm pregnant? Does it ever happen? Am I going to be a psycho bitch until the day I deliver?

Here's an update to the beta comparison:

 Based on 48 hr doubling & 72 hour once we're over 1200, it looks like I get to continue the beta fun through next Friday for a total of 7 betas, again.

Beta #2

Just like I remembered from July, waiting for beta results is fucking torture! I went in at 8 for the blood draw. Then I headed to work & did basically nothing all day long. I just couldn't focus. Finally around 3:45, when I hadn't heard from the office, I caved & called them. I got the answering service, they put me through to the office. Beta #2 came in at 104, P4 is 28.12. So we're definitely ahead of last time.

I decided to dig through the chats with S last Summer to find my exact betas from then. I made a chart to compare. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to compare one pregnancy to another; but it makes me feel better. Until I have a healthy ultrasound to look at, I have to do whatever I can to try to calm my PGAL brain.

The comparison:

In slightly less crazy person news; S keeps asking if my betas can indicate if this is a singleton or twin pregnancy. Not knowing is killing him & amusing me :)

BFP!!!

Yesterday(12dpiui, 11dpo) my temp dropped & I was sure this cycle was over. So sure that I stocked up on wine & beer for the weekend on my way home. I was nauseous as hell last night so I stuck to ginger ale last night. I woke up around 4:15 & since I had to be up early for my beta, I decided to temp. It went back up! Woo, I had some hope for my beta. I wanted to go back to sleep, but once I'm even a little awake I have to go to the bathroom. I did & went back to bed. I fell back asleep & had a dream that I tested & got a positive. That woke me up at 5:15. I laid there for a few minutes trying to fall back asleep, I wanted to test now but I wanted 4 hours since I went to the potty. Nope, I was awake & had to go. So I tested with a Wondfo, a faint line came up but a lot of women have gotten false positives lately. So then I decided to dip a FRER, 3 minutes later...positive! There was a definite second line. I took about 30 pictures of my test because I just didn't believe it. Then I tried to get back in bed & sleep again. No way, not happening. I tried checking FB, TB, & playing candy crush to distract myself...wasn't working.

Finally I decided to wake up Sean. Once I finally got him semi-awake & to turn his lamp on, I handed him the test. He looked at it & said, "Oh, I'm sorry babe." I said, "What are you sorry for? That's a positive!" Silly sleepy head. So we laid there, talking & hugging for a bit. Then I needed to get ready & he needed to dig the car out since we got 7 inches of snow last night.

We headed over to Dr. T's office for my beta. The nurse was all confused because I came in, in shit weather just for blood work. So I confessed to testing at home. She said, "Well shit, I woulda come in too!" I love these people.

I came home & told all of my friends from TB. Those ladies are so fucking amazing! I honestly don't know how I would have gotten this far without them.

Now the waiting for the beta. I finally got the call around 2:30. Beta #1 is 31, my P4 is 19.7. They were happy with my beta & want to start me on Prometrium to supplement my Progesterone. With my pregnancy in July, beta #1 at 13dpo was only 22 so we're ahead of that so I should be happy. I'm fucking terrified though. I'm so scared to lose this. Neither S nor I have let ourselves get excited. I hate that. This should be a time that I'm elated & loss has robbed me of that. The best I can try to do is be optimistic & I'm not doing great with that.

Beta #2 is Monday, so for now we just have to focus on doubling times & not what the actual number is. As long as that goes well, I'll be going in every other day for betas until it hits 2000. Last time that ended up taking about 8 or 9 betas ( I don't remember). Once we hit that number, they'll schedule my first ultrasound.

Obligatory pee stick for ya:

I'll probably keep peeing on things until at least bets #2. Hopefully I can calm down a little after that.

Reflections

It's New Year's Day 2014, it's only natural to reflect on the previous year. 2013 was a bitch. We had a cancer scare for S, IF for me, pregnancy, miscarriage, & surgery. Those are the negative highlights.

I've made some amazing friends though. Without these people & my husband, I seriously doubt I would have gotten through it. But we did. 2013 did not beat us & that's what we need to focus on.

Moving on to 2014!

We're at the tail end of the 2WW of our first IUI cycle. My beta is scheduled for Friday, which is 12dpo. That's still a hair early, but it's when they scheduled me. My plan is to go in for my blood work & then run to the potty there & pee on a stick (unless my temp drops that morning, I'll assume negative in that case). I need to know what's going on before my phone rings. Being surprised by a BFN in the middle of the day, at work, just won't go well.

We also have a huge move coming up fast. We're moving from New Jersey to Louisiana. It's an imposing task, but we have the wheels in motion. We're approved for an apartment, just waiting for a unit to open up. We're starting to pack up things here & there. We're also getting estimates for movers. I'm worried about getting everything done & planned, but I think we can figure it out.

I feel like 2014 is going to be a great year, for us & for so many of my friends. Cheers! Great things are coming!