I need to chill

This is going to start getting repetitive, sorry ahead of time. I find myself constantly apologizing to S & the staff at the RE's office too. I can't help it, it's just all I can think about.

I had dinner with my friend last night & she knows what's going on. She's also someone I usually have a few drinks with. I managed not to completely out myself, but I'm pretty sure she's on to me. Hopefully I'll have some good news to tell her at the Super Bowl party we'll be at in a few weeks.

Then I got home & started playing on FB. Some of the ladies on IDOB started a conversation about Metformin & pregnancy. Dr T took me off it last BFP & did the same this time. I never gave it much of a second thought, & that was my bad. I forgot that I need to second guess & research everything I'm told. But, apparently women with PCOS are at higher risk for early miscarriage. And, the part that set me off, Metformin might be able to reduce that risk.

WTF? Does this mean my first loss was preventable? Could we have somehow avoided the agony that we've been going through? More importantly, does this mean that I'm heading for the same thing because I'm off it again? Of course there's no way to really answer these questions. All we know, conclusively, about the first loss is that it was not due to a chromosomal abnormality. As far as this one goes, all we know that as of now my betas are doubling.

But none of that mattered, I lost it. I ugly cried, like I haven't done in months. I told S that I felt almost certain that we were going to lose this & that I wasn't sure I'd want to keep trying after another loss. The truth is, I fully believe both of those things. I probably didn't need to share that with him, but I said it faster than I could stop myself. One loss is absolutely soul-crushing. If another one happens, I really don't know if I'm strong enough to risk it a 3rd time.

But I suppose I'm getting ahead of things, for now. It's just so hard not to jump directly to worst case.

I went in for my beta this morning, even though there was a huge sheet of ice covering all of South Jersey. While M was doing my blood draw, I started to ask her. I asked about the Dex because I honestly couldn't remember what I was told with that; she said I was probably supposed to continue on that but she'd check. Then I asked about the Met. She said that I was supposed to stop it. So I started to ask my questions about that, before I could even get the question out she finished what I was going to say. She said that they normally give the Met because it (through a series of events) can improve egg quality & allow ovulation to happen. Once you're pregnant there's really no need for those things. They were aware of the studies, but there's not yet enough evidence & they have had women opt to stay on it. (run-on sentence, I can't fix it, I don't care) I asked about the risks & she just said that she'd have the NP call me with my beta this afternoon to discuss.

Now we wait.....
and wait...
and wait...