More beta fun

Beta #3 was this morning & I got the results back early. Beta is 203, P4 is sitting pretty at 34.02. That beta is a doubling time of just over 49 hours, still right in the normal range. But my PGAL brain sees that & automatically thinks something is wrong. That's a slower double than the one before it. Why is it slower? What does that mean? Is baby slowing down? Are we headed for another loss? Why do my symptoms seem basically non-existent today? FUUUUCK!

I should be fucking happy right now. But no! All I get to feel is anxious & scared shitless. It's hitting me that I will never have the experience of seeing a positive test & getting to be happy for more than a damn day max. Never. The first BFP, I was elated until I got the call with a low first beta. From then on I was convinced that it wasn't going to last. This time I got a little flicker of excitement, but I think that was more from sharing the news & having other people be excited. I got a little excited when the second beta came in, but that didn't last long.

I'm so jealous of the women on the September board that get to be naive & blissful. I envy them so much. All the happy ones, all the ones complaining about puking (I'd fucking give anything to hurl all over my desk right now), all the ones who are allowed to exercise. I envy Every.Single.One of them.

I'm just sitting here waiting for the good news to stop. It's impossible to be optimistic.  This isn't fucking fair. I want to be happy. I want to be so happy that I'm just bursting at the seams to tell everyone I know the good news. Instead, I just want to hide in my bed til the first ultrasound.

When does the being scared end? When do I get to calm down & enjoy the fact that I'm pregnant? Does it ever happen? Am I going to be a psycho bitch until the day I deliver?

Here's an update to the beta comparison:

 Based on 48 hr doubling & 72 hour once we're over 1200, it looks like I get to continue the beta fun through next Friday for a total of 7 betas, again.