Saying goodbye

I woke up this morning crying already. Today was the day. We were going to meet our little girl & say  goodbye to her. I honestly didn't think I was ready to do it. I was completely terrified of my reaction. But, waiting wasn't an option. It was today or never.

So we headed to the funeral home, sat in the parking lot crying, got our shit together & went in. They showed us to the room that they had her in. We walked in & I broke down as soon as I could see the box they had her in. I composed myself & took about 5 more steps before I got a glimpse of her tiny head, broke down again. Took a final deep breath & kept walking.

We got up to her. She was simply beautiful. There is no other word. I was speechless at the sight of this tiny, perfect little baby that we made. They had all 7.5 inches of her wrapped up in a newborn onesie & laid in a tiny bed; both of which were to big for her. She looked at peace, happy, loved.

We sat down in front of her, both of us completely mesmerized. Rowan means 'little red one' in Gaelic; we had inadvertently picked a perfect name for our sweetheart. I expected to be more, bothered isn't the right word, I dunno, taken aback(?) by her appearance; but all I saw was perfection. The first thing I noticed was that she had my mouth & my jawbone, S's nose(at least based on his baby pics). S told me that she resembled me, I thought he was being crazy pants. How can someone that young, developmentally, look like either of us? But she did. She looked like me, with touches of S mixed in.

Her tiny left hand was peeking through the blanket, S asked if I wanted to see the rest of her. I did, so we gently pulled the onesie back. Her feet seemed so huge on her tiny little body & she was tall, at least we thought so(I checked later, at 17 weeks she should have been 5-5.5 inches, my girl was 7.5!) She had long legs like me(yes, I'm short, but my legs are proportionally long) & S's long torso. S stuck the tip of his finger in her hand. He told me that if you pushed, super gently of course, on her palm, her fingers would 'close' around your finger. So I did it. It was the closest we'll ever get to holding Rowan's hand. <3

We both wanted to hold her, but were so scared to break her. Finally, I got up the nerve to do it. I scooped my hand under her & lifted her out of the bed. It was just completely remarkable. I told her I loved her, apologized to her(not 100% sure what for, different things I guess), gave her a kiss on her head & carefully put her back down. After a few minutes, S said he wanted to pick her up. He was still scared, he's a bit of a bull in a china shop. After I promised him it would be ok, he picked her up. It was so amazing to see him hold his baby girl. He brought her up to his chest, leaned over her & said a bunch of stuff that I couldn't really hear. Then he kissed her & put her back.

We sat there for probably another 30 minutes or so, smiling, crying, talking about what we thought her personality would be like. I couldn't tear myself from her. After we'd been there for, I don't know, an hour or more, it was time to go. If we didn't go then, I don't know if I ever could have. We took a few steps & both went back over to her, held her tiny hand one more time, kissed her again & turned to leave the room again. I made it about half way to the door, before I dropped my purse & went back to see Rowan one last time. Put my hand on her, said "I love you" & walked away.

After we got back in the car, we just sighed. There was a sense of relief & peace. We had closure, I guess. I never really understood that concept, but I guess that's what this feeling is. I'm still in so much pain(emotional, I'm mostly ok physically), but it's different somehow.

The hardest part of the whole experience was leaving her there. She'll be ready to come home Friday or Monday, I think I'll feel so much better having here home where I can make sure she's safe.


(I started this post on Wednesday; it took longer than I expected to finish. )

Is this real life?

I've been a horrible blogger. I haven't been supportive of my fellow bloggers. I haven't posted much about my pregnancy in the last 2 months or more. I'm here with awful news.

On Tuesday of last week, we went for an elective scan & found out, after a lot of poking & prodding, that we were expecting a wonderful little girl. We were elated. (obvi not the awful part)





*******WARNING: The following will be graphic, detailed & probably hard to read(maybe, I don't really know what I'm about to say). Please skip to the bottom for tl;dr*******





On Tuesday of last week, we went for an elective scan & found out, after a lot of poking & prodding, that we were expecting a wonderful little girl. We were elated.

Thursday morning, I woke up & felt like I peed every time I stood up. I realized that I had been feeling that way more & more since Monday night. My first instinct was to shrug it off, pregnant women pee themselves nbd. After a short discussion with the SAIF ladies, I decided to trust my gut & call the OB's office. My OB(Dr. G) was on her way out for a delivery, but wanted me to come in immediately with a urine test. So I did. I waited about 10 minutes & the nurse(who has less personality than a brick wall) came to tell me that my sample was negative for any amniotic fluid. I'm not really sure how it would be there, I guess they assume some would transfer to the container while I was giving my sample. Anyway, she told me that Dr. A would need to do an exam to 100% rule out a problem. Then she asked if I wanted to do that, like any person in their right mind would leave without an exam at that point!(This will be addressed on Friday) So I waited until she could see me.

Dr A looked in & asked if I had any cramping over the last few days. I had. Since Monday, I had pretty consistent cramping on the right side, but nothing excruciating. She told me that I had begun to dilate & that my membranes were protruding(I had no idea what the fuck that meant). She wanted to send me over to see the MFM. She then paused & said, "No, I want you on your back. You're going to the hospital." My heart immediately sank. I was supposed to meet a friend across the street for lunch, so she came right over to take me. I called S while I was getting dressed & he started getting ready to meet us there. We rushed over, I was admitted & before I knew it I was in a gown & forbidden to get out of bed. They had me laying in Trendelenburg position (flat on my back, feet higher than my head by about 15-30 degrees). I was only allowed to sit up to get on the bed pan(those are a J-O-Y), other than that, I could roll to my side as long as I kept the angle I was supposed to. Suffice it to say, eating was exhausting & I usually gave up a few bites in.

I spent Thursday & Friday like that. Dr G came by a few times & really tried to just get us to prepare for the worst. Generally, this leads to an infection that causes preterm labor or water breaking that leads to the same. The MFM was supposed to come see me & never did. There's more to that part, but he never came & it wouldn't have made a difference, so why get into it.

Friday morning, S showed up at the hospital with a surprise. He had flown my mom up from New Orleans. It feels juvenile, but sometimes you just need your mommy.

I woke up 4 or 5 times Friday night & each time I had some discharge, but not much. Saturday morning, I went to the bathroom & had a ton of bloody cm. I told the nurse about it & she told me that it was likely due to pushing to go to the bathroom. I knew that wasn't the case. This was the beginning of the end, I was pretty confident of that. My mom, S & I were in the room attempting to eat lunch & I felt a gush of something. I sent S to get the nurse immediately. She came in & told me it was blood. The resident from L&D(Dr H) came to examine me. She didn't say much, she went to call Dr G who was on call. The nurse started an iv & started me just one some liquids. Dr H came back & told me that my water had broken & the bag was completely gone. I was going to need to deliver. She told me that I could do it now or I could wait for Dr G to arrive in about 30 minutes. We asked for a few minutes to decide.

While she was out, we asked the nurse about how we'd treat the body after, could we cremate her? She said that we could & that they'd review it with us after. She told us that they would be taking her after & cleaning her up, wrapping her in a blanket & taking some pics. She asked if we were going to want to see her or hold her. Neither of us thought we'd be able to do that(in hindsight, there wouldn't have been time before my surgery anyway). She said that the pictures would be available for a while if we ever changed our mind.

Then Dr H came back & we decided to get started. It was fast. 2 quick pushes & she was out. Rowan Elizabeth entered this world sleeping at 2:20pm on 4/12/14. Thankfully, it wasn't physically painful. But emotionally it was devastating. After you push, you're supposed to hear beautiful crying from your baby, not you & your husband sob. Not your mom who is just a few feet away, breaking down completely. It was just all wrong. Dr H told me what a great job I had done & to just relax a little because it'd probably be a while for the placenta to detach & deliver. So I sat & waited. She came to check & gave it a bit of a tug & said we needed to wait more. A few minutes later, she came back & said that Dr G wanted to start me on pitocin to help move it along & that if nothing had changed by the time she got there, I was going for a D&E.

The pit did nothing. When Dr G got there, she checked me & I heard her say something about me being full of blood & we needed to get me to surgery. She said tat the nurse told her about our wish to cremate Rowan & she wanted to make sure that we really wanted to do that, extra cost and all that stuff. Before 20 weeks, you're not legally required. The alternative was to allow her to be discarded as medical waste. There's no way we could have done that, this is my child we're talking about. About 5 minutes after that, I was whisked off, on a table & being prepped. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in recovery with S by my side. I guess I knew something wasn't right. I was covered in layers of blanket & had another one wrapped around my head, all that was exposed was my face. I could hear people around me, something about a bag of blood, getting another blanket; I couldn't make out the rest. I remember the anesthesiologist asking if I was in pain & muttering a "yes", so she gave me more pain meds. I remember hearing the lab tech saying that there was no where left for her to draw blood & hearing someone snap at her about that. All I could really see was S's face out of the corner of my eye. After a while, the room cleared out & eventually it was just S & I. I guess we sat there for about an hour before they started peeling blankets off me & gave me some ice chips so I could try to rehydrate some.

Not long after that, I was being wheeled to a new room(I asked not to go back to the room I had been in).  While we were walking S told me that I had lost a lot of blood, but he didn't say much more than that. He told me he had taken the time to call a few people & that one of our friends(who works at the hospital) was in the room with our parents. We spent some time in there with them, S called some more people, my dad included, to update them. My dad got on the phone with me, got a few words out & just completely lost it. It crushed him to not be able to be there. Some time around 11, everyone cleared out & S & I were alone. He told me tat I had been in surgery for almost 3 hours & that when Dr G came out to talk to him she was white as a ghost & just told him that I'd lost a ton of blood & that it had been extremely complicated. She said she'd be by in the morning to check on me & review everything. We talked until about 1 & then we both passed out.

Around 6, my nurse came by to remove my catheter. Not too long after that Dr G came by. She started reviewing the surgery with us. She said that as soon as I was out, she put my knees up to start & blood came gushing out of me. They had to start transfusions immediately. She couldn't see to get to my cervix(she also included that I have a 'long vagina' & that my uterus was severely retroverted). She had to do the entire procedure by ultrasound. My placenta refused to detach from my uterus, she had to stick her entire hand in there & tease it away from my uterus wall. She then had to make multiple passes to get my lining to whatever thinness they need. She said that when she got home, her husband said she looked awful, her response to him, "I just had a patient try to die on me." WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? Losing our daughter wasn't enough. I was that close to death?

She said that I needed to have an SHG done in a few months & she also said that I was at risk for Asherman's Syndrome now. I need to read more on that, but it boils down to scar tissue in the uterus & more fertility problems. Fucking great! But I guess we'll have to deal with that later. And I'll have to probably consult with a MFM before we start trying again just to get a plan.

So anyway, they continued to monitor my heart, pulse-ox, & hemoglobin levels. Finally, around 6, they told me I could go home. They were really surprised by how well I was doing, but all my numbers were stable, so I could shower & GTFO.



***********SAFE TO READ AGAIN, well as safe as it gets**********

TL;DR:   On Thursday, I was admitted to the hospital with an incompetent cervix & the membranes from my sac were exposed/protruding into my vagina. I was immediately put on bed rest, in Trendelenburg position; flat on my back, feet higher than my head by about 15-30 degrees. Saturday morning, I had a large amount of bloody discharge & continued to leak urine or amniotic fluid all day. Around noon, they checked fetal heart tones & Rowan was doing well. 2 hours later, I was in labor. My precious girl was born sleeping at 2:20 on 4/12/14. I was sent for a D&E to remove the placenta, I hemorrhaged a dangerous amount. My body has been a rockstar & I bounced back much quicker than anyone expected. I was discharged about 24 hours later.


They sent us home with a memory box that contained her baby hat, blanket & a picture of her. Our plan was to wait to open it, but I knew S wanted to see her. When I woke up Monday, Sean was out of bed. I went to the bathroom. When I came out I noticed that the box was not where we left it & I didn't see S anywhere. I went back in the room & his face said it all. He had opened it. He needed to, I knew it. He said she was beautiful & already looked so much like me. He also told me that one of the documents they gave us was a "In memory of" certificate that had her tiny footprints on it. He's always been against tattoos, but says he wants to have her footprints done as a butterfly. It's absolutely killing him not to have his little girl here. Seeing him in this much pain is almost more than I can take.

Today(Tuesday, a week after we found out we were having a daughter) we got up & went to the funeral home. We had to sign a bunch of stuff & pick out a memorial box for her. The director asked if we wanted to see her before she was sent to the crematorium. My immediate reaction was no & S agreed, but I could tell that there was hesitation in that. I told him he needed to be sure, this was not a reversible decision. The director told us that we needed to take time & make a decision. So we left & were going to call back later. As soon as we got in the car, I told him that I wasn't sure about my decision not to see her. He admitted that he would regret not doing it & I agreed that I was almost confident that I would too. So that's where we are now. Tomorrow morning, we're going to say goodbye to our precious little Rowan. I don't know how we'll get through it, but I know, in my heart, that we both need it.

I'm sorry this got so long & I hope it's somewhat coherent.

I need to thank the ladies from my IF & SAIF groups & a handful of women from the Sept '14 board. It's impossible to name everyone, but your kindness, love & support have made it possible for me to push through each day. I love you all.

GRADUATION DAY!!!

I'm a couple days late, but better late than never. I was supposed to have my last ultrasound today, but because of some pretty bad weather here, S wasn't going to be able to make it home in time. So, I decided to move the appointment up to Wednesday because I was going nuts waiting to see Thumper.

I had to wait about an hour once I was at the office because they were trying to see all the Thursday patients too. Finally it was my turn. The u/s tech came in & got the machine ready. As she was starting I couldn't see the screen, but right away she goes,, "I know you're very anxious. Your baby is doing great. LOOK!" I looked up & I didn't even recognize Thumper. There's been so much growth over the last 2 weeks. S/he was measuring exactly 9 weeks & had a beautiful HB of 174bpm. I can't even begin to describe the sense of relief. Here's the updated pic of our babe, the head is to the left & the body is to the right. You can see tiny had & legs getting started. <3

After the scan, I talked to one of the nurse practitioners. They gave me my records & set me free. Next Friday, I have my first visit with my OB. I'll get another peek at baby then :)

In other news, S took advantage of the weather issues & drive from Houston to New Orleans to look at some houses. He spend today with our Realtor & is coming home tomorrow with lots of pics. There's a chance we could be putting in an offer by the end of the weekend. It's so strange to say that right now. 2 months ago, we thought we'd have to wait until we were closer to 40 before we were able to get a house. Crazy how everything can change in such a short time. 

Dear Thumper

I hope you're in there growing like crazy. It's been almost 2 weeks since we've seen you & I'm worried sick. Since yesterday my nausea has gotten substantially better. I don't like it. Please send me a little sign that you're in there & doing great. We love you so much!

I was supposed to come see you Monday, but your daddy has to go out of town for work. I'm still pretty scared of losing you, so I don't want to go to a visit alone. We'll be there to see you on Friday. I hope to see your tiny little heart thumping away super fast & to see you moving around. I'm doing my very best to keep you comfy in there.

Your grandma sent you a little present this week. She must have been working on it already because it got here less than a week after I told her about you. I can't wait to pop this on your little noggin to bring you home in September.

I love you & can't wait to see you on Friday!

Love,

Mommy

HEARTBEAT DAY!

Today is officially the best Monday in the history of all Mondays ever. We got up bright & early, after a weekend of very little sleep (it's been a nerve wracking few days) and headed in for ultrasound #2. I was completely convinced that we were going to have bad results. I just knew it.

They took us back & we went to the other u/s room. I immediately started feeling a little better. The room I usually get stuck with is the bad news room for me. That's where I found out about my blockages & everything bad with the last pregnancy. I just looked at S & said, " I'm so relieved not to be in that other room." He said, "Me too." That room just has too many bad memories. I got ready, grabbed my charm, hopped up on the table & waited. It seemed like forever until the tech came in.

She came in, asked how I was doing & if I was nervous. I said that I was about to vomit all over the room. She was like ok then, let's get started. I laid back, clutched S's hand & just focused on him. Then I heard her start to turn the screen & saw his face light up (he had no idea what he was looking at, just that it was totally different than the pic on our fridge.) Before she said a word, I saw the flicker of our baby's heart. I started to cry immediately.  She said, "Yep, there it is. That's your baby's heart!" S started crying along with me. Then she did all her measurements & had me hold my breath so she could get a good read on baby's heart, 127bpm!

It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!

After, we went to see the NP. She echoed that everything looked fantastic. According to her little wheel gizmo & based on my trigger date; they are setting my EDD at 9/16/14. This puts me at 6w6d. She said that baby is measuring 6w3d, as long as we're within a week of where I should be, things are good. I'll go back on 2/10 for my next ultrasound. Provided that everything looks good at that point, I'll graduate to my OB's office.

Sean wants to call the baby "Thumper" & I think I like that, so here's Thumper:

Meet the blob

I went in for ultrasound #1 this morning. I'm only 5w5d by my calculations, so I knew that there wouldn't be much to see. But part of me was really hoping that I'd be one of those super lucky gals that got to see the first tiny flicker at 5w5d, which is the earliest it is detectable. It was foolish to hope, but I couldn't help it.

The tech get set up & things got on the way. I didn't look at the screen at first, I just couldn't. I was too scared to see nothing. After a minute, she asked if I had a fibroid....what??? No, I do not. Apparently she was having trouble seeing the top of my uterus. NBD. My uterus is tilted, I'm sure that's what caused her issues. Then she turned the screen & started pointing things out to me. Sac, yolk sac, possible fetal pole(although it's still very tiny), lining, yada, yada. I swear as she was going through different images I saw something flickering, but she didn't seem to notice it so it was probably just my imagination.

She finished up & told me it looked like things were developing correctly. The yolk sac is the big concern & that was clearly visible. She said she'd put me closer to 5w2d. I can deal with that, I think...

Here's the blob. I haven't come up with anything else to call it yet, so blob it is for now.

Where the brighter white on the little blob in the sac is, that's where I swear I saw a flicker.

I talked to the NP after. She thinks it's possible that I may have ovulated a day later that I thought & that I may have had later implantation. I guess that would jive with my low first beta. They want me to continue to come for b/w every 4 days, so Monday & Friday next week. She said they repeat scans every 2 weeks. Uh-uh, no freakin way. There is no way I can wait that long. So I'm going back on the 27th, which is 10 days. At that point, I should be pushing 7 weeks by their dates.

I'm still scared. Last time, my first scan put me about a week behind. 10 days later, the news was not good. I guess there's not much to do now other than sit, wait, & try not to go insane.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE grow little blob. We love you so much!

Beta #5!

Today's beta came in at 1889, doubling time of 34.57hrs! They want to schedule my first ultrasound on Friday, at 5w5d. There probably won't be much to see in there; most likely just the sac(s) & maybe a tiny dot in it. But it'll confirm how many are in there & that it's in the uterus, not tube. I'm a little bummed because, unless I reschedule for Monday, S will miss it. I'll have to see how he feels about it.

But for now, for the first time, I feel hopeful. This might really be it! I don't want to get too excited, but it's really hard not to.

I still have to go for one more beta on Wednesday because they insist on seeing the number over 2K before the ultrasound, but should be done with those finally at that point.

5 weeks

I'm 5 weeks today, provided that all is going well. Baby is the size of an apple seed. My appetite is basically non-existent, I'm sure nausea isn't helping that. I started back on Met Friday night, adding those side effects to the mix hasn't been fun. My worst symptom has been breast pain. I had to start sleeping with my snoggle already to stop me from tummy sleeping. I'm not a fan of sleeping on my side, but I'm even less fond of waking up at 4am daily because it feels like there's a knitting needle jabbed in my nip.

Beta #5 is tomorrow. With any luck, next Monday will be my first ultrasound.

#4

Is finally frickin in! Beta = 446, doubling time of 42.27hrs. I can't say I feel much sense of relief, but I can say for now I'm still pregnant.

I talked to the NP about taking Met. She said the doc like to take people off it, but she's done a lot of research on it & thinks that there may be something to staying on it. So I'll start that back up tonight, hopefully it's not too late.

Tons of love & thank you's to everyone that's sending me good vibes, love & support. I don't think I could get through this without each of you. (That feels really dramatic, but it's how I feel)

I need to chill

This is going to start getting repetitive, sorry ahead of time. I find myself constantly apologizing to S & the staff at the RE's office too. I can't help it, it's just all I can think about.

I had dinner with my friend last night & she knows what's going on. She's also someone I usually have a few drinks with. I managed not to completely out myself, but I'm pretty sure she's on to me. Hopefully I'll have some good news to tell her at the Super Bowl party we'll be at in a few weeks.

Then I got home & started playing on FB. Some of the ladies on IDOB started a conversation about Metformin & pregnancy. Dr T took me off it last BFP & did the same this time. I never gave it much of a second thought, & that was my bad. I forgot that I need to second guess & research everything I'm told. But, apparently women with PCOS are at higher risk for early miscarriage. And, the part that set me off, Metformin might be able to reduce that risk.

WTF? Does this mean my first loss was preventable? Could we have somehow avoided the agony that we've been going through? More importantly, does this mean that I'm heading for the same thing because I'm off it again? Of course there's no way to really answer these questions. All we know, conclusively, about the first loss is that it was not due to a chromosomal abnormality. As far as this one goes, all we know that as of now my betas are doubling.

But none of that mattered, I lost it. I ugly cried, like I haven't done in months. I told S that I felt almost certain that we were going to lose this & that I wasn't sure I'd want to keep trying after another loss. The truth is, I fully believe both of those things. I probably didn't need to share that with him, but I said it faster than I could stop myself. One loss is absolutely soul-crushing. If another one happens, I really don't know if I'm strong enough to risk it a 3rd time.

But I suppose I'm getting ahead of things, for now. It's just so hard not to jump directly to worst case.

I went in for my beta this morning, even though there was a huge sheet of ice covering all of South Jersey. While M was doing my blood draw, I started to ask her. I asked about the Dex because I honestly couldn't remember what I was told with that; she said I was probably supposed to continue on that but she'd check. Then I asked about the Met. She said that I was supposed to stop it. So I started to ask my questions about that, before I could even get the question out she finished what I was going to say. She said that they normally give the Met because it (through a series of events) can improve egg quality & allow ovulation to happen. Once you're pregnant there's really no need for those things. They were aware of the studies, but there's not yet enough evidence & they have had women opt to stay on it. (run-on sentence, I can't fix it, I don't care) I asked about the risks & she just said that she'd have the NP call me with my beta this afternoon to discuss.

Now we wait.....
and wait...
and wait...

PGAL/IF brain is a motherfucker! I've said it before & I'll probably say it a lot more times(FX!). I'm trying to snap outta this funk, I swear I am. It's so frickin hard though.

When I got home last night, S told me that he had been talking to a friend of his. She is kinda the only person he has to talk to about what's going on, she went through loss & IF so she gets it. She told S that she was pretty much a nutcase until the day her daughter was born & that it actually got worse for her once she was past her loss milestone because she had no clue what was supposed to be happening. I guess it makes me feel a little less crazy to know that.

After talking to him, I went to dig out something from our wedding.

We had cake pulls & this was the one I got. It stands for happy, healthy children. I decided I was going to carry this around with me. I don't really believe in good luck, or charms, or any of that; but when I see it, I feel a little glimmer of hope. So until I feel better about this, this charm will be in my pocket.


Beta #4 tomorrow.....

More beta fun

Beta #3 was this morning & I got the results back early. Beta is 203, P4 is sitting pretty at 34.02. That beta is a doubling time of just over 49 hours, still right in the normal range. But my PGAL brain sees that & automatically thinks something is wrong. That's a slower double than the one before it. Why is it slower? What does that mean? Is baby slowing down? Are we headed for another loss? Why do my symptoms seem basically non-existent today? FUUUUCK!

I should be fucking happy right now. But no! All I get to feel is anxious & scared shitless. It's hitting me that I will never have the experience of seeing a positive test & getting to be happy for more than a damn day max. Never. The first BFP, I was elated until I got the call with a low first beta. From then on I was convinced that it wasn't going to last. This time I got a little flicker of excitement, but I think that was more from sharing the news & having other people be excited. I got a little excited when the second beta came in, but that didn't last long.

I'm so jealous of the women on the September board that get to be naive & blissful. I envy them so much. All the happy ones, all the ones complaining about puking (I'd fucking give anything to hurl all over my desk right now), all the ones who are allowed to exercise. I envy Every.Single.One of them.

I'm just sitting here waiting for the good news to stop. It's impossible to be optimistic.  This isn't fucking fair. I want to be happy. I want to be so happy that I'm just bursting at the seams to tell everyone I know the good news. Instead, I just want to hide in my bed til the first ultrasound.

When does the being scared end? When do I get to calm down & enjoy the fact that I'm pregnant? Does it ever happen? Am I going to be a psycho bitch until the day I deliver?

Here's an update to the beta comparison:

 Based on 48 hr doubling & 72 hour once we're over 1200, it looks like I get to continue the beta fun through next Friday for a total of 7 betas, again.

Beta #2

Just like I remembered from July, waiting for beta results is fucking torture! I went in at 8 for the blood draw. Then I headed to work & did basically nothing all day long. I just couldn't focus. Finally around 3:45, when I hadn't heard from the office, I caved & called them. I got the answering service, they put me through to the office. Beta #2 came in at 104, P4 is 28.12. So we're definitely ahead of last time.

I decided to dig through the chats with S last Summer to find my exact betas from then. I made a chart to compare. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to compare one pregnancy to another; but it makes me feel better. Until I have a healthy ultrasound to look at, I have to do whatever I can to try to calm my PGAL brain.

The comparison:

In slightly less crazy person news; S keeps asking if my betas can indicate if this is a singleton or twin pregnancy. Not knowing is killing him & amusing me :)

BFP!!!

Yesterday(12dpiui, 11dpo) my temp dropped & I was sure this cycle was over. So sure that I stocked up on wine & beer for the weekend on my way home. I was nauseous as hell last night so I stuck to ginger ale last night. I woke up around 4:15 & since I had to be up early for my beta, I decided to temp. It went back up! Woo, I had some hope for my beta. I wanted to go back to sleep, but once I'm even a little awake I have to go to the bathroom. I did & went back to bed. I fell back asleep & had a dream that I tested & got a positive. That woke me up at 5:15. I laid there for a few minutes trying to fall back asleep, I wanted to test now but I wanted 4 hours since I went to the potty. Nope, I was awake & had to go. So I tested with a Wondfo, a faint line came up but a lot of women have gotten false positives lately. So then I decided to dip a FRER, 3 minutes later...positive! There was a definite second line. I took about 30 pictures of my test because I just didn't believe it. Then I tried to get back in bed & sleep again. No way, not happening. I tried checking FB, TB, & playing candy crush to distract myself...wasn't working.

Finally I decided to wake up Sean. Once I finally got him semi-awake & to turn his lamp on, I handed him the test. He looked at it & said, "Oh, I'm sorry babe." I said, "What are you sorry for? That's a positive!" Silly sleepy head. So we laid there, talking & hugging for a bit. Then I needed to get ready & he needed to dig the car out since we got 7 inches of snow last night.

We headed over to Dr. T's office for my beta. The nurse was all confused because I came in, in shit weather just for blood work. So I confessed to testing at home. She said, "Well shit, I woulda come in too!" I love these people.

I came home & told all of my friends from TB. Those ladies are so fucking amazing! I honestly don't know how I would have gotten this far without them.

Now the waiting for the beta. I finally got the call around 2:30. Beta #1 is 31, my P4 is 19.7. They were happy with my beta & want to start me on Prometrium to supplement my Progesterone. With my pregnancy in July, beta #1 at 13dpo was only 22 so we're ahead of that so I should be happy. I'm fucking terrified though. I'm so scared to lose this. Neither S nor I have let ourselves get excited. I hate that. This should be a time that I'm elated & loss has robbed me of that. The best I can try to do is be optimistic & I'm not doing great with that.

Beta #2 is Monday, so for now we just have to focus on doubling times & not what the actual number is. As long as that goes well, I'll be going in every other day for betas until it hits 2000. Last time that ended up taking about 8 or 9 betas ( I don't remember). Once we hit that number, they'll schedule my first ultrasound.

Obligatory pee stick for ya:

I'll probably keep peeing on things until at least bets #2. Hopefully I can calm down a little after that.

Reflections

It's New Year's Day 2014, it's only natural to reflect on the previous year. 2013 was a bitch. We had a cancer scare for S, IF for me, pregnancy, miscarriage, & surgery. Those are the negative highlights.

I've made some amazing friends though. Without these people & my husband, I seriously doubt I would have gotten through it. But we did. 2013 did not beat us & that's what we need to focus on.

Moving on to 2014!

We're at the tail end of the 2WW of our first IUI cycle. My beta is scheduled for Friday, which is 12dpo. That's still a hair early, but it's when they scheduled me. My plan is to go in for my blood work & then run to the potty there & pee on a stick (unless my temp drops that morning, I'll assume negative in that case). I need to know what's going on before my phone rings. Being surprised by a BFN in the middle of the day, at work, just won't go well.

We also have a huge move coming up fast. We're moving from New Jersey to Louisiana. It's an imposing task, but we have the wheels in motion. We're approved for an apartment, just waiting for a unit to open up. We're starting to pack up things here & there. We're also getting estimates for movers. I'm worried about getting everything done & planned, but I think we can figure it out.

I feel like 2014 is going to be a great year, for us & for so many of my friends. Cheers! Great things are coming!