365

Whelp, it's official. It's been a year. 365 days ago was my first birth control free day. I thought for sure I'd have a baby in my arms by now. Obviously, I was wrong. I wish I could go back to being that optimistic fool, even just for a day. I knew nothing about how hard it could be to get pregnant. In my mind it was easy: have sex, get baby, the end. I didn't know what the statistics were, I had no clue how common miscarriage was; it was a simpler time.

I guess now is just a good a time as any to write out how we got to this point. My apologies, this will probably be very long. I get wordy. (Pregnancy & loss mentioned)

We were married in October of 2011, planned on waiting about a year & then starting to try to knock me up. In August of 2012, we decided that was my last pack of birth control. Once we ran out, I was going to start prenatal vitamins & we were going to start trying. About 2 weeks into this decision, on a Saturday, I got this horrible shooting pain on my right side. It went away pretty quickly, I assumed it was gas. The next day, I was fine when I woke up. Then, around mid-day, it hit again & hard this time. I got horrible chills & nausea; something was definitely not right. I didn't have a fever & the pain was manageable as long as I didn't exert myself, so I decided that I would call my OB in the morning. Monday, I went to work & called Dr G's office. She was out but they brought me in to see the other doctor(don't remember her name), she thought i had a cyst & sent me for an ultrasound. By the end of the week, it was diagnosed. I had a 5cm hemorrhagic cyst on the right ovary. No sex & low activity for 2 weeks & stay on BCPs until it was confirmed to have resolved itself. Cue screeching brakes & my plans coming to a halt. I was planning on stopping those in just a week at this point. Now I had to stay on them. I never wanted to be on the damn things in the first place & now I'm forced to delay my life plans because my body decided it didn't want to cooperate. Ok, fine we'll wait, what's another month or so, I'm only 31(turning 32 in a few weeks). We get the all clear phone call while we're sitting on a beach in Mexico celebrating our first anniversary. WOOHOO! Let's get this show on the road!

I buy OPKs & start using an app on my phone to help my track my cycle & allegedly predict my fertile days. November, December, January, & February all come & go...no baby. Sometime in February, I stumbled across The Bump while searching for information on getting pregnant with PCOS. There I learned all about the wonderful world of BBT & charting. Like a good girl, I bought a thermometer, signed up on Fertility Friend, did the tutorials & picked up my copy of TCOYF. I was now armed & ready to approach this with more education.

April rolled around & it was time for my annual with Dr. G. I printed out my charts, had a list of questions & headed to my appointment. I talked to her about my trouble getting positive OPKs, she mentioned that it sounded like I might have weak ovulation (me: WTF? That's a thing?). If I didn't get pregnant in the next 3 months, she wanted me to call Dr T's office to set up an appointment for testing at the 1 year mark. She said it'd probably take some time to get the appointment, so calling early was a good idea. Okie dokie, will do. In the meantime, she gave me a script for S to have an SA done because we had some concerns about a medication he was taking.

When I got home that night, I found myself wondering if I shouldn't call him now. When I went there 5 years before, I was diagnosed with IR-PCOS & given Metformin. I quit going to their office. I had bad insurance so it was expensive. S & I were not in a good place in our relationship because he never wanted kids & I did, & every single time I went there for blood work or to see the dietitian I got asked if we were trying, bla bla bla. It was more than I was ready for at the time. But, I knew I needed to be on the medication. I had tried to get my GP to write a script for it, he ran b/w & decided that I didn't need to be on it, that was it.  I had been off it for about 4.5 years, I asked a few people what they thought; general consensus was that I probably should get my butt back on it. So I called the office & made my appointment.

That Thursday (S travels for work S-T most weeks), S got home & told me that he found a lump on one of his boys. He asked me to confirm, I did. We made an appointment for him to see his urologist. Cue my husband freaking out that he might have testicular cancer & HE might be the reason we can't have children. I went to his appointment with him. Dr C had some trouble finding it, but when he did he said he thought it it was vessels but couldn't confirm. He gave S orders for an ultrasound & blood work, we had to go back in 3 weeks to get those results. That was a long 3 weeks for us. Finally the time for his follow up came, Dr C said that he has multiple spermatoceles but, based on the SA that we had done in the meantime, they didn't seem to be a factor with S's fertility. He wasn't going to do anything about them at this point because surgery to remove them could have a negative impact on S's fertility. He referred S to the male fertility specialist (Dr Fallick - just because it's funny) for follow ups & to address his slightly low volume & for other related tests.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, I had my first appointment with Dr T. Since it had been 5 years from my original diagnosis & testing, he wanted to rerun it all before writing any scripts. So I was to call on CD 1 to get that moving. I called & went in for CD 3 ultrasound & blood work. The tech started my ultrasound & told me that my ovaries looked normal, not at all what they expected for PCOS but that didn't really mean anything without the rest of the tests done. Then I saw the nurse practitioner. She reviewed everything with me & said that they wanted to do an SHG along with the rest of the testing. I told her I wasn't there for fertility testing, but she said they like to get it done & out of the way when they can. She tells me it's easy, based on my history there's no reason to think I should have problems, & the doctor wants it done. So I agree to it.

SHG was scheduled for the Friday before Mother's Day. I went in, they got me all set up & Dr T started the procedure. Instant pain. The Dr & the tech keep doing their thing. Then I hear my Dr go "hmmm, that's odd." Then the balloon popped out of my cervix. He tells me that they need to set it all back up & start over to "confirm what they saw." Not at all what you want to hear when you're ass out on a table with 2 people digging around in your business. So, they set me up & start over. PAIN. They stop, clean up, & the tech leaves. Dr T tells me that my uterus just filled up like a balloon & nothing went into my tubes, NOTHING??? That's not how this is supposed to go! I start crying(not the last tears that will be shed in this room). He tells me to come to his office once I'm ready. I go in & we chat. He wants to finish up all my tests (I still had a few ultrasounds, a glucose tolerance test, & more blood work to do). I left, sobbed in my car, called S, then went to work.

I spent the next few days trying to figure it all out. What would this mean? Is IVF our only option? After just 7 months, are we there already? God dammit, I said I didn't want testing yet. The was a long weekend. Dealing with Mother's Day, 2 days after finding out this shit, was the last thing I wanted to do. But, I had to.

We wrapped up my testing & scheduled the consultation with Dr T. At that visit, he confirmed the original IR-PCOS diagnosis. Even though my ovaries were looking normal, the rest of the results pointed to that. We were putting me back on Metformin & adding in Dexamethasone for elevated DHEAs. He also had some concerns about my Progesterone levels & my "less than perfect" ovulation. Then we started talking about my lovely tubes. We had a couple options. He would schedule a lap & hysteroscopy to surgically go in to see what the blockage was & hopefully remove it, we could move straight to injectable meds, or we could move right to IVF. At the time, we were OOP for fertility treatments so the last 2 weren't really options. I had done some reading & chatting with ladies on TB about the blocked tubes. There was a chance that my tubes spazzed during the SHG & that was the reason for the apparent blockage. There was also the slim chance that an HSG could open what the SHG did not. So I asked Dr T if he would schedule one for me. He said they don't normally see different results, but it was my decision. If I wanted that, he would gladly do it. we decided to go that route first.

My HSG was done at the end of June. It was painful but either my left tube was spazzed originally or they got it open. Righty still showed a partial blockage. But YAY, I had one functional tube at this point. I hadn't ovulated yet & a fair number of women got pregnant the cycle of or the cycle after their HSG. So I was feeling positive. S picked me up from the hospital (he had an appointment with Dr F) & he was visibly upset. Dr F had just told him that his testosterone was ridiculously low. They don't want to treat it right now because treatment will likely impair his fertility. Can we catch a frickin break? We go to my follow up with Dr. T. We decide to proceed with a lap & hysterocopy to try to open up the right side. That was getting scheduled for August sometime.

Meanwhile, we knew we had to give that cycle the best try we could. We hit O-3 & O for our timing, not stellar but the best we'd had since the shit started in April/May. Around 8dpo, I noticed I was insanely moody, figured it was pms. My LP is only 10 days, so I should have been feeling those symptoms. 10dpo, my temp was still up, but I wanted to wait for my period to be late to test. 11dpo was a Thursday & S was coming home, temp was still up so I tested. B.F.N. Blerg. 12 dpo, I tested again, BFN again. Saturday, 13dpo & temp was still high, I tested & got a faint positive. Holy shit! We did it! I woke S up with a copy of "Dude, You're Gonna Be A Dad", a pair of NY Giants baby socks & my pee stick of course. He was confused & half asleep, then jumped up & started crying once he figured it out. I called Dr T's office, went in for a beta & waited. Got the call about 2 hours later, beta was a 22. We were pregnant, but barely. I had to go get Prometrium because my progesterone was low & then go back on Monday for a repeat. From then I had to go in for betas every other day until my level hit 5,000(they admitted this was nutty, but just how they do things); once we hit that I would have my first ultrasound.

2 weeks later we had my first ultrasound at what should have been 6w4d. We were expecting to see our little bean's heart flickering away. The tech said we looked like we were measuring about a week behind & that I would most likely need to come back in 10 days. I lost it. I had felt doubtful since the day after our positive test & I was all but sure that it was over at this point. S & I met with the other doctor in the practice, he confirmed that we're measuring behind & should come back in 10 days & that would tell us definitively if we had a viable pregnancy or not. Until then, he said " I guess you can keep taking the Prometrium." Right then & there I knew they thought it was over. 10 days later(Monday), we went back. I wouldn't even look at the screen. I knew what was going to happen. S stood there holding my hand staring, with so much hope, at the little screen. Then his face dropped. It was over, I knew it. The tech finished up silently & left. I have never cried like that in all my life. Dr T came in & cried with us for a moment (I love that man, if I haven't said it before). We composed ourselves & went to his office. The baby had grown a tiny bit more, but still no heartbeat, we should have been 8w1d by then. He reviewed our options. We could let it happen naturally, which could take some time to start. Or we could opt for a D&E(Dilation & Evacuation), they prefer not to do D&C for whatever reason. We opted for D&E because none of us felt it was good for my mental health to wait it out. That got scheduled for that Wednesday. We went home & decided that we needed to tell our parents what was going on that this point. So, we did & it sucked.

Wednesday came, procedure was done, now what? Now I had to go in for periodic betas to follow that back down to zero & wait for a new cycle to start. 5.5 weeks later it finally zero'd out & CD1 made it's appearance. I called to report CD1 & Dr T wanted me to come in for another beta & a consultation. (Some where in the middle of all of this, S decided that he was going to find a job with a company that would offer IF benefits. He did & started working for them in September, our new coverage begins Nov 1st.)

We met with Dr. T & decided to go back to our original lap & hysteroscopy plan. Which bring us to where we are now. 365 days later...Surgery is scheduled for Thursday, October 31, Halloween. I'm scared & allowing myself to feel slightly hopeful again. Hopefully that doesn't bite me in the ass, again.

That got way longer than I intended, but man it feels good just to write it all out. If you made it through, you deserve some holiday themed goodies.



XO ~Becky