healing

Upfront, right now, I'll freely admit that I am the worst patient ever. I just want to feel better already. I absolutely hate sitting still & letting someone else take care of me. I hate not being able to bend over & put on my own fucking socks. This stinks. S is being wonderful about it all, which I think only makes it harder on me. He has voluntarily slept on the couch since Thursday. He's been cooking breakfast, lunch & dinner. Cleaning up, taking care of the pets, doing laundry. I love him to pieces for doing it all, but I fucking hate not being able to do it myself.

I'm 4 days post lap & completely over it. The first few days, the sheer happiness with our results was enough to distract me from the pain. No more. This hurts. Even on the Percocet, everything I try to do hurts. Yesterday S rearranged our living room so I could have a slightly more comfortable seat with a view of the TV. I felt like an invalid just plopped in my recliner waiting for everything to be done for me.

Add to this that I'm sleeping like shit. It hurts to get in bed. Laying down hurts. Getting back up to pee or rearrange pillows 35 times a night, hurts. I'm not a back sleeper, but I knew I'd need to sleep that way post-op. I ordered a big, U-shaped, pregnancy pillow(I hate having anything with a pregnancy label on it in the house) to help; it's helping but it doesn't have enough support under my head. So, all night long, I play musical pillows trying to get some support under my head that doesn't make my neck hurt. I'm cranky. I need more than 2 hours of sleep at a time.

I feel ungrateful. He stayed up late last night to make sure my laundry got dried. He got up early this morning to shower first so I could sleep a few extra minutes. He drive me to work because I'm not cleared to drive yet. Without a second thought or single complaint, he is taking amazing care of me. I thank him constantly, but we both know I hate every second of it.

I want to go back to taking care of myself. More over, I miss taking care of things for him. I want to cook dinner for us. I want to be able to take the dog for a walk so he doesn't have to. I want him to feel like he can sleep in our bed without ruining my sleep. I am no good at being the sick one, but I guess to get better, I need to submit to this. I fucking hate it.

He just shared this article with me on Facebook. It beautifully sums up marriage. It reminds me that he's taking care of me because he wants to make me happy. I just hate that I'm not able to reciprocate right now.