A few pics from earlier:
As the day moved on, my mind started to wonder to the decision I needed to make this week. Today is 8DPO. If this cycle is a failure, I should see CD1 around mid week. If we're going to proceed with a medicated cycle, I need to have that decision made so I can call the office to set up CD3 ultrasound & blood work.
I keep going back & forth on this decision. One day, I'm absolutely sure I want to try one more natural cycle. The next, I'm convinced that it's time for some help from Dr. T. How the hell does anyone make this decision? We got pregnant one, can we do it again? How long would it take? Should we start using our covered cycles? We have coverage for 6 medicated cycles, lifetime. After that, we have coverage for 3 IVF cycles. If we use all 6 now to conceive #1, they won't be there for #2. If we need all 6 cycles for #1, that would be an EDD in like January of 2015! 2015! I know I'm getting way the hell ahead of things, but it's just how my brain works. If it takes until then, will we even want to try for another? I've always been adamant (for no good reason at all) about not having kids after 35. Will I still care about that arbitrary deadline? Why do we do this (these deadlines) to ourselves? Nothing good or productive ever comes from it.
Then again, maybe all my body needs is a little boost. Maybe getting progesterone earlier will help my next bean stick & grow better/faster/stronger. Maybe I'll be one of those lucky girls that gets pregnant with just one cycle. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Maybe not.
S & I were reviewing insurance (joy of all joys) while dinner was cooking. We got the bill for my lap yesterday. Thank goodness for insurance. The pre-coverage cost was $20K!!! Holy balls! That turned into really examining our current IF coverage. It looks like we have the 6 cycles, but to have the meds covered those will be pills. It looks like injectable meds aren't covered. I guess if we get to a point that Dr. T thinks those are best, we'll have to see what the OOP cost is.
I told S that I needed his input. "I'm ready for whatever you're ready for," just isn't good enough anymore. This is about both of us & he needs to weigh in here. He said he really didn't understand enough to know what he thought. So we talked through my knowledge of how things go, the risks, & TI vs IUI. As of now, he's ok to try another cycle. But, if we decided to start meds now, he thinks it makes more sense to go straight to IUI because he's worried about his slightly low volume. I can understand that concern, both of his SA's were right at the low end for normal on that.
His other concern is my mental health. We're both concerned about how I'll handle things if I'm not pregnant when 3/30/14 rolls around. Honestly I'm worried about what it'll do to S also. I think we are both faking it right now. Just doing what we need to keep pushing forward. But the truth is, we're both struggling to make sense of the shit we've been through.
We ended our conversation with a hesitant decision to move to medicated cycles. Right now we both need me to get pregnant. But I was still not confident in that decision. Then I came across these pictures:
These were my tests from July. I need to see this again. I don't care about what it takes to get there. Maybe it's a little premature to move to medicated cycles, maybe it isn't. There's just no way to know with absolute certainty. All I know for sure, is that we need to maximize our chances for each cycle. That means it's time for Dr. T to do his thing.
Side note: My blog posts are long as hell! I need to work on my editing like woah!
It's so hard making the jump to the next step in IF... I have always questioned if we were cutting to it too soon, and like you, my DH has given me the 'Yes Dear, whatever you want' response to everything IF. Grrrrrrrr!! It's a lot of weight to put on one person's shoulders especially when there is no right or wrong answer.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you two decide to do, it is the right way to go. Just take it one step at a time, and remember when things get overwhelming (because they do often) that you have a lot of people on your side, crossing fingers for you and rooting you on. Good luck!!
Thank you! It's good to know that feeling this way is normal. XO!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you guys are having to go through this decision. There is no right choice for everyone. And if you're anything like me, I think no matter what you decide, you'll wonder if maybe the other way was better. But you can't beat yourself up over what-ifs.
ReplyDeleteGood luck in whatever you guys decide. Focus one step at a time. And make sure to take whatever time you need to try to stay in the best emotional and mental health possible. Nothing about this process is easy. Try to be nice to yourself.
You're absolutely right, Packer. Until there is a baby in my arms, I will second guess any decision. Thank you.
DeleteI'm sorry that you're having a tough time making the decision. It was really difficult for us as well. I agree with CiCi though - whatever decision you make will be the best one for you. You'll feel it once you decide. Hugs and lots of love <3
ReplyDelete<3 You! You WILL see tests like that again and you WILL get to hold and cuddle and kiss your baby one day! Really soon I hope! You know I'm always here to complain and vent to though!
ReplyDelete