To pee or not to pee

We're in the home stretch of this cycle already. Today is 9dpt & iui and 8dpo. I don't normally get many, if any, symptoms during my 2ww; I assume that's because my progesterone is normally on the low side. Well this time it's not. I've been fatigued since 3dpo, nauseous since 5dpo & my boobers have been hurting since 7dpo. All of which are too early to actually be associated with pregnancy.

Having finally experienced this, I can almost understand why we get so many "OMG AM I PREGGO???" posts from women that are only around a week from ovulation. If I didn't know any better I would have already peed on things.

But I do know better. So now the question is, when to start testing. My beta is scheduled for Friday, which is 12dpo (Isn't that early for betas?). I think I can hold off testing that long. I know, for sure, that I want to have tested before they call with my results. Do I test before? If I get a negative, it's gonna be really hard for me not to get back in bed & skip the appointment. If it's positive, obviously there's no problem. I could try to test after, but since I have to go straight to work from there how will I test with fmu? I seriously doubt that I can wake up, shower, get ready, & get there without my bladder bursting.

I am still temping, though I only have from 5dpo moving forward. Maybe if my temp hasn't taken a dive that morning, I'll feel confident to test at home. Who knows. Maybe I need to ask the Magic 8 ball. It seems to know all.

Either way, I'm still trying to convince myself that this won't work. I don't feel like it's safe for me to hope. Why should I be so lucky? I feel like surely all my good luck for this cycle has been used up, just by things going right. EFFFF! This stinks. I want to be naive & hopeful dammit!


Side note: On Friday, when I was going over the appointment with S, I told him that I ovulated both eggs. The look on his face was fantastic.

"So wait, that means...omg what if...holy shit. I knew twins were a possibility, but I just connected that it actually might happen." LOLz! He's so cute when he's stupid.

180 days

That's it. Out of the 365 days I paid for, a handful of free days, & the 2 months my Fertility Friend account was paused, 180 remain. So 6 months. That's what I have left to get KU & stay that way before I run out of my paid time. Not sure why it matters, but when I logged in this morning, that number jumped out at me as a milestone.

I had my monitoring appointment this morning. It was showing 2 corpus luteum, indicating that both follicles ovulated. The NP said that my lining had doubled in thickness (yay!) & that every thing looked right on track. She asked if & when we had sex, I told her Sunday afternoon. She asked if I had an idea of when I ovulated. I said, based on the almost crippling pain, I was pretty confident that those eggies burst free late Sunday. So she said that she felt like we had a really good shot this cycle.

I should be happy about that, right? But my head won't let me. I've been preparing myself for a BFN, odds of that are greater. I've always been an "expect the worst" kinda gal. IF & loss have just made that mindset even worse. Now I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Good news is almost always followed by bad. That's what we've experienced up to this point, why should things change now.

Now I'm just sitting here waiting for my phone to hopefully not ring. If my progesterone was at least a 15 this morning, then I won't get a call. Since I have a history of it being low, I expect my phone to ring in an hour or 2 telling me that a script for P suppositories has been faxed to CVS. I'm a little nervous about those. I was on Prometrium for the pregnancy, but I took it orally that time.

Oh well, FX for a quiet phone.



Edit: 4pm rolled around & I hadn't heard from them. I had to call, I can't deal with "if you don't hear from us, everything is fine." Well for now, everything IS fine. My progesterone came back at 15! At 7dpo on a medicated cycle they are looking for 15, today is only 5-6dpo. My body decided not to be a jerkface! WOOT!

This is me right now:

Gotta revel in the small victories :)

Completely unrelated, My BFF from home is up in the area right now. Once I get off work we're heading to the train to go see her in NYC for a little bit! Yippee!

Merry Holid....is it over yet?

First of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS! I'm a day late on that, but I wanted to wish anyone that may stumble across this a very happy holiday season.

This has been rough, much more so than I imagined. I spent the last 2 days before Christmas, trying to get myself in the spirit of things. I watched movie after movie, shopped, wrapped gifts, baked, & went to a small holiday party on Christmas Eve. On the way home from that, I was just starting to feel Christmassy. Then we walked into our apartment. There it was, Christmas Eve, undecorated & cold. There was a small pile of gifts in the corner of the living room, but other than that there were no signs of Christmas at our house.

We crawled into bed super early & watched the Harold & Kumar Christmas movie. Surely mindless pot humor with dick & fart jokes mixed in would cheer me up. It did too, until we got to the end of the movie  when Harold & Maria got a BFP on Christmas morning. All I could do was look over at S and say, "Well that's not happening tomorrow morning!" I don't know why I felt the need to tell him that, but I blurted it our before I could stop myself. I hate myself for saying that, I should have kept it in. The flash of pain in his eyes was horrible. He hugged me & said that he already knew that, but hopefully we'd have some good news in a little over a week. I honestly don't know where he finds the strength to keep as positive as he does.

Christmas morning, we were sitting down to open our gifts & I snapped at him for something so stupid I can't even remember it. I went to get a cup of coffee & came back to see him fighting back tears. He lost it. "This is not how this Christmas was supposed to be. We were supposed to be pregnant, just a few months away from baby being here. This was supposed to be our last childless Christmas." I honestly didn't know how to console him. All I could do was hug him & let him cry it out until one of our pets decided to do something to break the tension. Dori took care of that, she freaks out anytime he cries & has to come try to fix it. She squeezed between us, got on his lap, flopped onto her back, & started pawing at him til she got belly rubs. His puppy was there for him to love, all was right with the world again.

So, we opened presents, crammed some breakfast in our faces, packed up the car & headed to his great aunt's house. The great thing about holidays with his family is that they're usually child-free & booze-filled. We made it through the day with no mention of children or questions about the occupancy of my uterus. The only slight reminder was when his great aunt asked me if I was already looking for a job for once we moved. The real answer to that is, "We're hoping that I'm pregnant by that time. So, No, not looking for a job." The answer I have to give, "Ehhhh, we'll see what's going on. I have a few friends looking out for openings for me." But other than that, it was a nice enough day.

I have been temping since my IUI, though I'm pretty sure my BBT esta muerto. I've gotten 97.58 for 4 of my last 5 temps. So I decided to delete all of them & toss the thermometer. Those numbers just can't be right. Tomorrow is only 5dpo, so I'll temp orally the rest of the cycle just to see what it looks like. I decided to test this morning to see if my trigger was still there:

It's super faint (much easier to see IRL), but there still. I'll test again on Saturday, that's 7dpt. If it's still there at that point, I'll test daily I guess. Not using another FRER until I want to confirm a negative wondfo.

Tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound & some blood work. I expect progesterone in some form to follow that appointment. WOOOO! Bring on the headaches & sore tatties!

IUI #1

is in the books! Yesterday, we got up early as hell for S to go make his deposit. I sent him off & stayed home to get ready because we both over slept. He was scheduled to get there at 7. At 7:10, he called me to let me know that no one was at the lab. What the hell? I called the answering service & they tried to reach someone. They couldn't. Apparently they were just running late & didn't know they had anyone scheduled for this morning. He did his thing & came home to pick me up. We went to breakfast while they processed his sample.

We headed back to the clinic for my 9am spermination. The nurse was the only one there when we got there. She grabbed my Ovidrel from their cooler & started talking to me about administering it. She told me that they had to charge $10 for them to administer. I said nbd, I can do it. We headed to the exam room (they let S come back) & she kept trying to tell me how to do the shot, then she closed the door & said "Screw it, I'm the only one here. They won't know I did it for you." The shot was fine, just a tiny pinch.

I asked why we switched my trigger from the night before to day of the IUI. She said there must have been something in my b/w to indicate that I was about to ovulate on my own. She said it's pretty common for my office to do it on the same day, if they want to try to make sure that the patient doesn't ovulate before the IUI. Once the doc got there, I confirmed that with him.

The IUI itself was fine. I has some cramping when they injected his sample, they said that was normal. Just had to lay there for 20 minutes before we could get up & leave. I swear everything leaked out of me while I was laying there, but I suppose that's highly unlikely. Before heading out, I asked for S's post wash numbers: 48.5 mil per ml & 88% motile. I think they only put in a half ml sample though, so 24.25 mil. Still good numbers from what I'm reading. I go back Friday for a confirmation ultrasound & bloodwork, then January 3rd is my beta.

From there, we headed to S's family Christmas party. We hung out there for a few hours & then headed home & went to bed super early.

I decided to temp this morning, for s&g I guess. I haven't temped at all this cycle. My temp was in my normal post-O range. I guess I'll temp for my 2WW just to see what it does, I should at least be able to see my temp dropping if I'm out.

Today has been spent watching Christmas movies & trying like hell to get into the holiday spirit. It's not working, but I'll keep trying. Home Alone 2 is on right now. Up next, Christmas Vacation.

Cycle 14

I'm behind on my updates. Last week we fairly uneventful, for the most part. By Monday, I was pretty confident that last cycle was a bust. I called our insurance company to register for our infertility benefits. First the woman tried to tell me we had basically zero coverage for treatments. I had to point out to her that she was looking at an expired policy. She looked at our current policy & said that we did have coverage(I already knew that, thanks for the mini heart attack lady!). Then I had to answer a bunch of questions about my diagnosis, the pregnancy & miscarriage, & the adventures with my tubes. It would have been a lot easier to just redirect her here. She tells me that I'm all qualified & registered, I have a lifetime benefit of $5K. ::::Screeching brakes::::: Our policy lists 6 IUIs & then 3 IVF cycles. How the frick is 5 grand supposed to cover that? Once I got off the phone with her, I send S a message. Before I completely flipped out, I wanted him to look into things. He looked into it & we're good. WHEW!

Wednesday morning, my temp plummeted & confirmed what I already knew about this cycle. Just after midnight, AF was here. Thursday, I called Dr. T's office to report CD1. They seemed as confused as I was about what his plan for me was, but they set me up for a baseline appointment on Friday morning.

Friday I got to the office & got called back for my blood work. The nurse told me that she was pretty sure Dr T wanted to just do a monitored cycle & start meds in January. I was a little upset, I was under the impression that he was ready to move right into medicated cycles. She said that the NP would review everything & get the doctor's decision. From there I went for my visit with Dr. Vag-Cam. Everything looked good. The NP said that as long as my blood work was ok, she thought that Dr. T wanted to start me on Clomid or Tamoxifen, then we'd do a trigger shot & IUI. She agreed that IUI was the smart choice because of Sean's lower volume. Around 2:30, I got the call that I would be starting Clomid on Saturday, take that for 5 days & then go back in a week for another ultrasound & blood work.

Saturday, I got up & took my first dose. Then we packed up a few gifts we had & headed up state to visit some friends. We spent the afternoon with one of S's college buddies & his family. Got to run around with their toddler in the snow & play with playdoh (which I freakin love). Then we headed to dinner with @doodmama & her husband. It was good to catch up with her. Last time I saw her was over the summer, now she's 8 weeks pregnant! Since we'd gotten up there, about 6 inches of snow had come down & it was still falling heavily. The drive home that normally takes 2 hours, took 4 & included a craptastic ice storm. Whatever. It was worth it to spend some times with friends we rarely get to see :)

I took dose 2 this morning. Until tonight I really hadn't felt anything as far as side effects. But after dinner I started feeling some twinges on my right side & had a hot flash, I guess that's the Clomid. Hopefully it's working its magic in there. We'll find out soon enough.

How do you know when it's time?

Today started off as really nice day. We took S's parents out to brunch (thanks Amazon local!). While we were there it started snowing, hard! By the time we left, there was almost 4 inches of snow on the ground! WHAT??? There was nothing an hour before! It was nice tough. For a little while, I forgot about all the reasons I did't give a damn about the holidays. I just enjoyed the winter wonderland around me. It felt good to forget. We ended up getting about 9 inches of snow on a day we were supposed t get a "light dusting." Ice & freezing rain to come over night.

A few pics from earlier:

                                 

 

As the day moved on, my mind started to wonder to the decision I needed to make this week. Today is 8DPO. If this cycle is a failure, I should see CD1 around mid week. If we're going to proceed with a medicated cycle, I need to have that decision made so I can call the office to set up CD3 ultrasound & blood work. 

I keep going back & forth on this decision. One day, I'm absolutely sure I want to try one more natural cycle. The next, I'm convinced that it's time for some help from Dr. T. How the hell does anyone make this decision? We got pregnant one, can we do it again? How long would it take? Should we start using our covered cycles? We have coverage for 6 medicated cycles, lifetime. After that, we have coverage for 3 IVF cycles. If we use all 6 now to conceive #1, they won't be there for #2. If we need all 6 cycles for #1, that would be an EDD in like January of 2015! 2015! I know I'm getting way the hell ahead of things, but it's just how my brain works. If it takes until then, will we even want to try for another? I've always been adamant (for no good reason at all) about not having kids after 35. Will I still care about that arbitrary deadline? Why do we do this (these deadlines) to ourselves? Nothing good or productive ever comes from it.

Then again, maybe all my body needs is a little boost. Maybe getting progesterone earlier will help my next bean stick & grow better/faster/stronger. Maybe I'll be one of those lucky girls that gets pregnant with just one cycle. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe not.

S & I were reviewing insurance (joy of all joys) while dinner was cooking. We got the bill for my lap yesterday. Thank goodness for insurance. The pre-coverage cost was $20K!!! Holy balls! That turned into really examining our current IF coverage. It looks like we have the 6 cycles, but to have the meds covered those will be pills. It looks like injectable meds aren't covered. I guess if we get to a point that Dr. T thinks those are best, we'll have to see what the OOP cost is.

I told S that I needed his input. "I'm ready for whatever you're ready for," just isn't good enough anymore. This is about both of us & he needs to weigh in here. He said he really didn't understand enough to know what he thought. So we talked through my knowledge of how things go, the risks, & TI vs IUI. As of now, he's ok to try another cycle. But, if we decided to start meds now, he thinks it makes more sense to go straight to IUI because he's worried about his slightly low volume. I can understand that concern, both of his SA's were right at the low end for normal on that. 

His other concern is my mental health. We're both concerned about how I'll handle things if I'm not pregnant when 3/30/14 rolls around. Honestly I'm worried about what it'll do to S also. I think we are both faking it right now. Just doing what we need to keep pushing forward. But the truth is, we're both struggling to make sense of the shit we've been through. 

We ended our conversation with a hesitant decision to move to medicated cycles. Right now we both need me to get pregnant. But I was still not confident in that decision. Then I came across these pictures:

 

These were my tests from July. I need to see this again. I don't care about what it takes to get there. Maybe it's a little premature to move to medicated cycles, maybe it isn't. There's just no way to know with absolute certainty. All I know for sure, is that we need to maximize our chances for each cycle. That means it's time for Dr. T to do his thing.

Side note: My blog posts are long as hell! I need to work on my editing like woah!

Hai

Oh man, It's been 2 weeks since I posted. I'm a neglectful blogger. This may or may not end up a rambly mess of a post. Sorry, my head's all over the place right now.

I'm still hanging out in cycle 13, but it's month 14 now. I'm 4DPO, possibly. We were visiting my family in Louisiana last week & OPK testing just didn't happen. The fine folks over at Fertility Friend seem to think that I ovulated on Saturday though.

Fingers crossed that they got this one right. S & I both got horrible colds the day after we arrived in New Orleans. We tried a few times, but the chest congestion got the better of us & we only managed O-1. All we can do is wait it out I guess. I think I'm settled on moving to medicated cycles if this one is a bust. S just agrees with whatever I want to do, thought I'd really like some actual input from him on this decision. Blindly agreeing with me is ok & encouraged in most areas of life, but this shit matters & I don't know the right answer.

Aside from getting sick as shit, our trip to New Orleans was great. We spent the first 2 nights in a swanky hotel downtown called The Saint, highly recommend it! We went out to a couple of nice dinners, including GW Fins where we went on S's first trip there 10 years ago. We went to the Po'boy Festival on Sunday, things like that are always a good time. You get to escape the touristy parts of the city & see the real soul of New Orleans.

We both woke up Monday, with sore throats(yippee). We checked out of that hotel & switched to the other one out in the 'burbs. From there we made the 3 hour drive to my grandmother's house for Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family. We got to see my sister's daughter for only the 3rd time ever(she's 15 months old). It was awesome to play with her & even more awesome to watch S play with her & hold her for an hour trying to get her to nap in the middle of the craziness. She absolutely wouldn't sleep of course, but it was so great to watch the man that NEVER wanted children hold her & sneak little kisses when he thought I wasn't looking. 

We spent Tuesday & Wednesday looking at apartments for our move next spring. At the end of the day on Wednesday, we decided that we really liked one of them so we went back, filled out the application, & put down the deposit on a unit there. EEEP! This is really happening! I'M GOING HOME!!!!!

Thursday we got moving super slow. That was the day our cold decided to seriously kick our asses. It was late by the time we finally drug ourselves out the door & started the 1.5 hour drive to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving with my mom's side. I had been dreading this for, well pretty much since the D&E in August. My family isn't shy & says exactly what's on their mind. If they want to know why we don't have a kid in tow, they're asking bluntly. We dealt with a lot of that the year before, but we were only 2 months into trying. "We're working on it" was a lot easier to say at that time. 11 months & a loss later, not so much. I was pretty sure that having my 8 month pregnant cousin around was only going to amplify things. But, either my mom told them all to shut up before we go there or they were totally distracted by our moving news. I don't care which it was, no one mentioned babies to me. It was glorious.

Friday, we slept. We slept until 1 & it was the 3rd greatest thing to happen on the trip(the apartment & S with my niece being 1 & 2). Then we packed up most of our crap & headed out to happy hour with a few of my closest friends. Headed back to the hotel, packed the rest of our stuff & passed out. Saturday was pretty boring. We flew home & I decided to torture Tim with some festive attire. It's pretty much the cutest thing ever, so he's gonna have to suffer through wearing it more than once.

It's back to life as usual now. Work, sleep, work, gym, sleep, work....lather, rinse, repeat. I'm trying not to focus too much on this cycle. It's probably the last shot we'll take at getting knocked up the good 'ol fashioned way. But that doesn't matter anymore. We need our baby. I've always needed our baby, but S is finally at a point that it's no longer a want, it's a need. 

Tummy sleep!

It may sound silly, but having to sleep on my back was probably the worst part of recovery. For the last week, I'd been able to sleep on my side but still had to use the gigantic body pillow for that. Last night, I was finally able to get back to sleeping on my stomach!!!

I was also able to go back to the gym & start with some light cardio on Monday. So, overall, feeling pretty good this week.

We're in cycle 13 officially. Dr T wanted to start treatment this cycle, but our Thanksgiving travel put a damper on that. We're moving ahead with a natural cycle. I didn't know how I'd feel about that, but I'm pretty ok with it. My body has proven that it can get pregnant, so why not give it another try, right? 

Depending on how this cycle goes, we may elect to postpone treatment until January, but I have some really mixed emotions about that. Even though I just turned 33 in September, I can already feel 34 breathing down my neck. I really, really want to be finished having children by 35. That has always been my goal. Right now, getting pregnant by the end of the year will get us #1 by(or really close to) my 34th birthday. Which means I'd need a really quick turn around for conceiving #2, which is really unlikely since I plan to BF. But, I'd still have a good shot of being KU with #2 when I turn 35 & I'm ok with that. 

My biggest fear is not being pregnant, & far enough along for a heart beat, before we hit my previous EDD. Not meeting my little girl in March will be hard enough. I don't know how/if I can handle not being any closer to having #1 than I am right now on top of it. I'm trying not to focus on that & let it influence my decisions, but it creeps in & is pretty hard to ignore.

I don't know what to do. The answers are never clear with this shit. So far my gut, research & lovelies from TB haven't steered me wrong; so I guess I'll keep going with that until it bites me in the tush!

Idiot, I married an idiot

I love my husband, but he's a dumbass & doesn't listen well.

I called Dr. T on Wednesday, I was still in a ton of pain(6 days post-op), running out of meds & I was worried that my incisions might be getting infected. The told me to come in Thursday morning so he could take a look. Of course, I woke up feeling pretty great on Thursday, but I went. He examined my incisions & said that everything was healing nicely, he wanted me to cancel me post-op on the 15th.

So, I decided to ask him about this mysterious 'hairy overgrowth' that my darling, genius husband said Dr. T told him was the problem. Stephanie(his nurse) burst out into laughter. Dr. T looked at me like I had 3 heads. He chuckled & said that they inserted contrast material, inserted the wire into my tube & it pushed straight through the blockage. Then they were able to get contrast dye through both tubes. The end. I asked what the blockage was, he said they couldn't determine it, just that it wasn't endo related.

So then I asked myself, outloud, why Sean heard what he thought he heard. Dr. T, who admittedly has a very strong Greek accent(that I can understand perfectly clearly) said that he told S, who had no product in his curly fro, that HIS hair was overgrown. How my lovely dummy translated that into me having a hairy growth in my tube, I'll never know. Not sure why he didn't think to ask a question or 2 when being told something that bizarre.

I'm definitely starting to feel better, though. I should hit CD1 sometime in the next few days. At that point, I call the office & set up CD3 monitoring & we make a plan for this cycle.

Unrelated, I think I want to go see Thor 2 this weekend.

Also unrelated to me & TTGP, Doodmama made it to ET & transferred 2 gorgeous day 5 early blasts! I'm super excited for her!

healing

Upfront, right now, I'll freely admit that I am the worst patient ever. I just want to feel better already. I absolutely hate sitting still & letting someone else take care of me. I hate not being able to bend over & put on my own fucking socks. This stinks. S is being wonderful about it all, which I think only makes it harder on me. He has voluntarily slept on the couch since Thursday. He's been cooking breakfast, lunch & dinner. Cleaning up, taking care of the pets, doing laundry. I love him to pieces for doing it all, but I fucking hate not being able to do it myself.

I'm 4 days post lap & completely over it. The first few days, the sheer happiness with our results was enough to distract me from the pain. No more. This hurts. Even on the Percocet, everything I try to do hurts. Yesterday S rearranged our living room so I could have a slightly more comfortable seat with a view of the TV. I felt like an invalid just plopped in my recliner waiting for everything to be done for me.

Add to this that I'm sleeping like shit. It hurts to get in bed. Laying down hurts. Getting back up to pee or rearrange pillows 35 times a night, hurts. I'm not a back sleeper, but I knew I'd need to sleep that way post-op. I ordered a big, U-shaped, pregnancy pillow(I hate having anything with a pregnancy label on it in the house) to help; it's helping but it doesn't have enough support under my head. So, all night long, I play musical pillows trying to get some support under my head that doesn't make my neck hurt. I'm cranky. I need more than 2 hours of sleep at a time.

I feel ungrateful. He stayed up late last night to make sure my laundry got dried. He got up early this morning to shower first so I could sleep a few extra minutes. He drive me to work because I'm not cleared to drive yet. Without a second thought or single complaint, he is taking amazing care of me. I thank him constantly, but we both know I hate every second of it.

I want to go back to taking care of myself. More over, I miss taking care of things for him. I want to cook dinner for us. I want to be able to take the dog for a walk so he doesn't have to. I want him to feel like he can sleep in our bed without ruining my sleep. I am no good at being the sick one, but I guess to get better, I need to submit to this. I fucking hate it.

He just shared this article with me on Facebook. It beautifully sums up marriage. It reminds me that he's taking care of me because he wants to make me happy. I just hate that I'm not able to reciprocate right now.

These tubes are CLEAR!

Yesterday morning, we woke up nice & early, got ready and left for the hospital. We needed to be there by 9:30, it was about an hour away & we had morning traffic to fight with. I got showered, put on my Halloween socks & we headed out.

      

Traffic was light so we got there plenty early. I checked in & waited to be called back for pre-op. They called my name after about 20 minutes. Once I had my IV started, Sean was able to come back to wait with me. I talked to the nurses, a resident who would be observing, the staff OB, 2 Anesthesiologists, & Dr. T. Then I said goodbye to S & was on my way back.

Once in the OR, they had me shift over to the operating table. I laid down, got my drugs & was out like a light. Next thing I knew, I woke up in recovery. Dr. T came over with a big smile on his face. He didn't say much, but this is what he said, "Everything went great! Tubes are open & no endometriosis." He smiled at me & then left. Still in a haze, I began to wonder what on Earth he found if not endo. That was our best guess going in. So now what? 

I laid in recovery for what seemed like forever. They kept telling me to take deep breaths & cough, which I diligently did even though it hurt like a bitch. They gave me some ginger ale, graham crackers, & percocet. I was bloated and sore, but they said it would start to subside as I started moving around & burping. About an hour later the wheeled me back to the same-day surgery area.

The nurse pushed the rest of my IV & disconnected it. Then S was brought back. It was great to see him. I love him, but my thoughts immediately went to, "he has my throat lozenges." My throat was killing me from the breathing tube. So I asked the nurse if I could have one, she said of course, & sweet relief was on it's way. 

I asked S what Dr. T told him, what was the cause of the blockage? S said, "He told me it was a hair overgrowth & that it was all cleared now." I figured he must have meant something about the cilia in & around the fallopian tubes. But, S said that Dr. T was very happy with how it went. That was good enough for me, for now.

About 30 minutes later, I was getting dressed & waiting for my scripts. Dr. T didn't leave them. So they called the office & he was still there & in surgery. Once he finished, he popped over, gave my my scripts, told me everything went wonderfully & he'd see me in 2 weeks. Another big grin & he was gone. 

Then S went to get the car and the nurse wheeled me down. I grabbed my big pillow & S strapped me in. Then we made the long, bumpy, miserable ride home. Once we got home, I waddled in (walking hurt like a summbitch). I tried to lay flat, STUPID!!! So I decided to set up my pillows so I could sit upright in bed comfortably. S helped me into bed & got me as comfy as possible. Dori came & snuggled up with me. Then S headed to CVS to get my drugs. 

I hung out in bed the rest of the night. S made mac & cheese for me  for dinner. Then I snuggled in with my new body pillow & passed out. S was kind enough to sleep on the couch so I could have the whole bed. 

Today, I'm sore but so very happy! I never thought something like open fallopian tubes could make me so happy. LOL. Oh the things TTC does to your brain.

A big THANK YOU to my girls on TB. I wouldn't have had my lozenges or pillow with me without you ladies. Also want to wish my girl Doodmama GOOD LUCK with her egg retrieval on Sunday morning! I have everything crossed for them to get lots & lots of mature eggies from you!

XO ~Becky

365

Whelp, it's official. It's been a year. 365 days ago was my first birth control free day. I thought for sure I'd have a baby in my arms by now. Obviously, I was wrong. I wish I could go back to being that optimistic fool, even just for a day. I knew nothing about how hard it could be to get pregnant. In my mind it was easy: have sex, get baby, the end. I didn't know what the statistics were, I had no clue how common miscarriage was; it was a simpler time.

I guess now is just a good a time as any to write out how we got to this point. My apologies, this will probably be very long. I get wordy. (Pregnancy & loss mentioned)

We were married in October of 2011, planned on waiting about a year & then starting to try to knock me up. In August of 2012, we decided that was my last pack of birth control. Once we ran out, I was going to start prenatal vitamins & we were going to start trying. About 2 weeks into this decision, on a Saturday, I got this horrible shooting pain on my right side. It went away pretty quickly, I assumed it was gas. The next day, I was fine when I woke up. Then, around mid-day, it hit again & hard this time. I got horrible chills & nausea; something was definitely not right. I didn't have a fever & the pain was manageable as long as I didn't exert myself, so I decided that I would call my OB in the morning. Monday, I went to work & called Dr G's office. She was out but they brought me in to see the other doctor(don't remember her name), she thought i had a cyst & sent me for an ultrasound. By the end of the week, it was diagnosed. I had a 5cm hemorrhagic cyst on the right ovary. No sex & low activity for 2 weeks & stay on BCPs until it was confirmed to have resolved itself. Cue screeching brakes & my plans coming to a halt. I was planning on stopping those in just a week at this point. Now I had to stay on them. I never wanted to be on the damn things in the first place & now I'm forced to delay my life plans because my body decided it didn't want to cooperate. Ok, fine we'll wait, what's another month or so, I'm only 31(turning 32 in a few weeks). We get the all clear phone call while we're sitting on a beach in Mexico celebrating our first anniversary. WOOHOO! Let's get this show on the road!

I buy OPKs & start using an app on my phone to help my track my cycle & allegedly predict my fertile days. November, December, January, & February all come & go...no baby. Sometime in February, I stumbled across The Bump while searching for information on getting pregnant with PCOS. There I learned all about the wonderful world of BBT & charting. Like a good girl, I bought a thermometer, signed up on Fertility Friend, did the tutorials & picked up my copy of TCOYF. I was now armed & ready to approach this with more education.

April rolled around & it was time for my annual with Dr. G. I printed out my charts, had a list of questions & headed to my appointment. I talked to her about my trouble getting positive OPKs, she mentioned that it sounded like I might have weak ovulation (me: WTF? That's a thing?). If I didn't get pregnant in the next 3 months, she wanted me to call Dr T's office to set up an appointment for testing at the 1 year mark. She said it'd probably take some time to get the appointment, so calling early was a good idea. Okie dokie, will do. In the meantime, she gave me a script for S to have an SA done because we had some concerns about a medication he was taking.

When I got home that night, I found myself wondering if I shouldn't call him now. When I went there 5 years before, I was diagnosed with IR-PCOS & given Metformin. I quit going to their office. I had bad insurance so it was expensive. S & I were not in a good place in our relationship because he never wanted kids & I did, & every single time I went there for blood work or to see the dietitian I got asked if we were trying, bla bla bla. It was more than I was ready for at the time. But, I knew I needed to be on the medication. I had tried to get my GP to write a script for it, he ran b/w & decided that I didn't need to be on it, that was it.  I had been off it for about 4.5 years, I asked a few people what they thought; general consensus was that I probably should get my butt back on it. So I called the office & made my appointment.

That Thursday (S travels for work S-T most weeks), S got home & told me that he found a lump on one of his boys. He asked me to confirm, I did. We made an appointment for him to see his urologist. Cue my husband freaking out that he might have testicular cancer & HE might be the reason we can't have children. I went to his appointment with him. Dr C had some trouble finding it, but when he did he said he thought it it was vessels but couldn't confirm. He gave S orders for an ultrasound & blood work, we had to go back in 3 weeks to get those results. That was a long 3 weeks for us. Finally the time for his follow up came, Dr C said that he has multiple spermatoceles but, based on the SA that we had done in the meantime, they didn't seem to be a factor with S's fertility. He wasn't going to do anything about them at this point because surgery to remove them could have a negative impact on S's fertility. He referred S to the male fertility specialist (Dr Fallick - just because it's funny) for follow ups & to address his slightly low volume & for other related tests.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, I had my first appointment with Dr T. Since it had been 5 years from my original diagnosis & testing, he wanted to rerun it all before writing any scripts. So I was to call on CD 1 to get that moving. I called & went in for CD 3 ultrasound & blood work. The tech started my ultrasound & told me that my ovaries looked normal, not at all what they expected for PCOS but that didn't really mean anything without the rest of the tests done. Then I saw the nurse practitioner. She reviewed everything with me & said that they wanted to do an SHG along with the rest of the testing. I told her I wasn't there for fertility testing, but she said they like to get it done & out of the way when they can. She tells me it's easy, based on my history there's no reason to think I should have problems, & the doctor wants it done. So I agree to it.

SHG was scheduled for the Friday before Mother's Day. I went in, they got me all set up & Dr T started the procedure. Instant pain. The Dr & the tech keep doing their thing. Then I hear my Dr go "hmmm, that's odd." Then the balloon popped out of my cervix. He tells me that they need to set it all back up & start over to "confirm what they saw." Not at all what you want to hear when you're ass out on a table with 2 people digging around in your business. So, they set me up & start over. PAIN. They stop, clean up, & the tech leaves. Dr T tells me that my uterus just filled up like a balloon & nothing went into my tubes, NOTHING??? That's not how this is supposed to go! I start crying(not the last tears that will be shed in this room). He tells me to come to his office once I'm ready. I go in & we chat. He wants to finish up all my tests (I still had a few ultrasounds, a glucose tolerance test, & more blood work to do). I left, sobbed in my car, called S, then went to work.

I spent the next few days trying to figure it all out. What would this mean? Is IVF our only option? After just 7 months, are we there already? God dammit, I said I didn't want testing yet. The was a long weekend. Dealing with Mother's Day, 2 days after finding out this shit, was the last thing I wanted to do. But, I had to.

We wrapped up my testing & scheduled the consultation with Dr T. At that visit, he confirmed the original IR-PCOS diagnosis. Even though my ovaries were looking normal, the rest of the results pointed to that. We were putting me back on Metformin & adding in Dexamethasone for elevated DHEAs. He also had some concerns about my Progesterone levels & my "less than perfect" ovulation. Then we started talking about my lovely tubes. We had a couple options. He would schedule a lap & hysteroscopy to surgically go in to see what the blockage was & hopefully remove it, we could move straight to injectable meds, or we could move right to IVF. At the time, we were OOP for fertility treatments so the last 2 weren't really options. I had done some reading & chatting with ladies on TB about the blocked tubes. There was a chance that my tubes spazzed during the SHG & that was the reason for the apparent blockage. There was also the slim chance that an HSG could open what the SHG did not. So I asked Dr T if he would schedule one for me. He said they don't normally see different results, but it was my decision. If I wanted that, he would gladly do it. we decided to go that route first.

My HSG was done at the end of June. It was painful but either my left tube was spazzed originally or they got it open. Righty still showed a partial blockage. But YAY, I had one functional tube at this point. I hadn't ovulated yet & a fair number of women got pregnant the cycle of or the cycle after their HSG. So I was feeling positive. S picked me up from the hospital (he had an appointment with Dr F) & he was visibly upset. Dr F had just told him that his testosterone was ridiculously low. They don't want to treat it right now because treatment will likely impair his fertility. Can we catch a frickin break? We go to my follow up with Dr. T. We decide to proceed with a lap & hysterocopy to try to open up the right side. That was getting scheduled for August sometime.

Meanwhile, we knew we had to give that cycle the best try we could. We hit O-3 & O for our timing, not stellar but the best we'd had since the shit started in April/May. Around 8dpo, I noticed I was insanely moody, figured it was pms. My LP is only 10 days, so I should have been feeling those symptoms. 10dpo, my temp was still up, but I wanted to wait for my period to be late to test. 11dpo was a Thursday & S was coming home, temp was still up so I tested. B.F.N. Blerg. 12 dpo, I tested again, BFN again. Saturday, 13dpo & temp was still high, I tested & got a faint positive. Holy shit! We did it! I woke S up with a copy of "Dude, You're Gonna Be A Dad", a pair of NY Giants baby socks & my pee stick of course. He was confused & half asleep, then jumped up & started crying once he figured it out. I called Dr T's office, went in for a beta & waited. Got the call about 2 hours later, beta was a 22. We were pregnant, but barely. I had to go get Prometrium because my progesterone was low & then go back on Monday for a repeat. From then I had to go in for betas every other day until my level hit 5,000(they admitted this was nutty, but just how they do things); once we hit that I would have my first ultrasound.

2 weeks later we had my first ultrasound at what should have been 6w4d. We were expecting to see our little bean's heart flickering away. The tech said we looked like we were measuring about a week behind & that I would most likely need to come back in 10 days. I lost it. I had felt doubtful since the day after our positive test & I was all but sure that it was over at this point. S & I met with the other doctor in the practice, he confirmed that we're measuring behind & should come back in 10 days & that would tell us definitively if we had a viable pregnancy or not. Until then, he said " I guess you can keep taking the Prometrium." Right then & there I knew they thought it was over. 10 days later(Monday), we went back. I wouldn't even look at the screen. I knew what was going to happen. S stood there holding my hand staring, with so much hope, at the little screen. Then his face dropped. It was over, I knew it. The tech finished up silently & left. I have never cried like that in all my life. Dr T came in & cried with us for a moment (I love that man, if I haven't said it before). We composed ourselves & went to his office. The baby had grown a tiny bit more, but still no heartbeat, we should have been 8w1d by then. He reviewed our options. We could let it happen naturally, which could take some time to start. Or we could opt for a D&E(Dilation & Evacuation), they prefer not to do D&C for whatever reason. We opted for D&E because none of us felt it was good for my mental health to wait it out. That got scheduled for that Wednesday. We went home & decided that we needed to tell our parents what was going on that this point. So, we did & it sucked.

Wednesday came, procedure was done, now what? Now I had to go in for periodic betas to follow that back down to zero & wait for a new cycle to start. 5.5 weeks later it finally zero'd out & CD1 made it's appearance. I called to report CD1 & Dr T wanted me to come in for another beta & a consultation. (Some where in the middle of all of this, S decided that he was going to find a job with a company that would offer IF benefits. He did & started working for them in September, our new coverage begins Nov 1st.)

We met with Dr. T & decided to go back to our original lap & hysteroscopy plan. Which bring us to where we are now. 365 days later...Surgery is scheduled for Thursday, October 31, Halloween. I'm scared & allowing myself to feel slightly hopeful again. Hopefully that doesn't bite me in the ass, again.

That got way longer than I intended, but man it feels good just to write it all out. If you made it through, you deserve some holiday themed goodies.



XO ~Becky

Mixed emotions

Today's one of those days. I'm happy & bummed at the same time.

I'm happy. Today is our second wedding anniversary. 2 years ago, S & I exchanged vows on a super windy beach in Mexico. The officiant said his name wrong approximately 20 times. The wind damn near blew my veil right off the back of my head. I sat at a beachside bar while S sang & played the Foo Fighters "Walking After You" to me. Then we danced, sang, & drank the night away. It was perfect. If I could live that day over & over, I would.

Today is the day that we planned on announcing our pregnancy on Facebook. We'd be 17 & 1/2 weeks along now, almost half baked. Instead, yesterday was 2 months since the loss.

I also had to get up this morning at 5:30 to head down to the hospital for my pre-admission testing. On October 31st, I'm having laparoscopic surgery to see if they can figure out the cause of  & clear the blockage in my right tube.

I felt torn going into today. Do I focus on what could have been? Or do I focus on what I have now & the possibilities ahead of us? I decided to try my best to do the latter. I have a wonderful & supportive husband & we're taking positive steps toward starting our family. I don't know what the future holds for us, but for today I'm forcing myself to be positive.

I'm avoiding work so....

As I suspected, I'm terrible at this already. I'm a lying liar who lies. I promised to post a full introduction last night, I did not. I had every intention, didn't follow through. I'll do it, I swear.

Instead, I went home, went to the gym, went back home (it was 9pm by this point) & then proceeded to sit on my ass while S cooked dinner for once. He doesn't cook often, it's usually an epic failure when he does, so I like to enjoy it when I can. He made steak & mashed potatoes. It came out pretty good. The mashed potatoes were runny & lumpy, but I was too happy to have a night off to care. Then it was dishes time. In our house, we follow the 'you cook, I'll clean' rule, so it was my turn to wash dishes. It's right about then that I realize that I'd rather have cooked dinner. I walked into the kitchen, looked around & exclaimed, "TIME TO MOVE!" I should have taken a picture. I have no idea how such a mess could have been made making that meal. Not to mention the items that were not put back in the fridge. Still, it was nice to have a meal prepared for me for once.

In other news, today is CD24, 10dpo. I have absolutely no intention of even testing this cycle. Our timing was O-8 which is laughable. Although S read this article so he's decided that his boys could last that long. My LP is 10 days, or at least it was before the loss; so expecting CD 1 in the morning. I'm oddly ok with that. I'm excited & scared to move on to the next cycle. I'm terrified of my surgery, absolutely petrified. I have no idea what they're going to find in there. Becky + The Unknown =/= friends. But there's a world of possibilities on the other side of it. For now, I have to hold on to the excitement & hope that comes from that. Talk to me in 2 weeks, I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune.

I'll leave you with this because it makes me happy.

XO ~ Becky

What's this 'blogging' jazz all about?

Alrighty, this is my first post. I really don't know where to start with things. First off, pardon my technical issues while I figure this out. Most who know me, know that technology & I are not the best of friends. Secondly, I apologize right now for all future grammatical errors. I do my best to eliminate them, but sometimes I fail. Finally, I love gifs. I will probably over use them, sorry, not sorry. :-)

I'll post a full intro later this evening. For now, I'll leave you with these:








XO ~ Becky